In Hindsight
by Lady Callista
Summary: When Voyager runs into a ship the Caretaker 'sent home' that didn't exactly arrive where it was supposed to, Kathryn is forced to reevaluate her guilt over stranding her ship in the DQ. And the fact that one of the people on that ship knows Chakotay, intimately, causes her to reevalute some things in her personal life as well.
1. Unexpected

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just making happier fans.

AN: Thanks to VAMB's personal plot generator (aka audabee) for the idea on this one, although I did alter it a bit and then add a lot beyond the basic idea. Once I started thinking about it I just had to write it, lol. Because there are various ways to try and get Kathryn to let go of her guilt over stranding everyone in the DQ, but this was a new one. Another fic, much like my latest one, that has a bit more of an episode feel, although not as much adventure.

Set in the middle or so of S7, post-Shattered but pre-Workforce.

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"_I would find myself getting deeply distressed if I lived in hindsight all the time." __-Andrew Lincoln_

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In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"_But life inevitably throws us curve balls, unexpected circumstances that remind us to expect the unexpected. I've come to understand these curve balls are the beautiful unfolding of both karma and current." -Carre Otis_

=/\=

Chapter 1: Unexpected

It was so cute to see the woman who could normally do just about anything arguing with her replicator after it burned their dinner yet again.

Chakotay couldn't help chuckling at the first thought that popped into his head as he walked into Kathryn's quarters to find an unfortunately familiar scene.

A bowl that seemed to be filled with plasma sludge sat on the replicator pad, still smoking slightly. The replicator's guts were spilled out over the floor, and where they should have been was the head and shoulders of a woman who was swearing softly in what he was fairly certain was Klingon.

"What did you call it this time?" He knew she wouldn't appreciate the humor in his voice, but couldn't hide it.

"It's not funny, mister." Kathryn extracted herself from the replicator, turning a mock glare on him as he settled onto the floor beside her.

"After the tenth time it kind-of is." He couldn't wipe the smile from his face. "You should just get B'Elanna to replace the whole unit. Replicators really aren't supposed to do that."

Kathryn only chuckled with him before grabbing a hydrospanner and ducking back into the open panel. "I know they're not, but at this point it's personal. And I think I've got it this time."

"That's what you said every other time." Chakotay said with a shake of his head. "Why don't we just head to the mess hall?"

"Because I overheard Tom and Harry arguing over whether adding Leola root to whatever Neelix was serving might actually improve it."

"Leola doesn't improve anything." Chakotay replied, handing her a plasma relay when she asked for one.

"Which means whatever Neelix has cooked up is even worse than normal." Kathryn replied, jerking herself out of the panel just as sparks began to shoot out of it.

"Kathryn…" Chakotay reached up, making sure the bowl of sludge wasn't hot before picking it up, unsure whether he was fascinated or terrified when tipping it upside down didn't cause the substance to fall out. "It can't be worse than this."

"With Neelix you never know." Kathryn offered with a chuckle, which turned into a full out laugh when gravity finally overcame the viscosityof whatever was in the bowl and had it plopping onto the floor between them.

Chakotay felt his heart lighten at her laugh, and wished that he could hear it more often. Her genuine laughter had been all too sporadic these past few years. He suppressed the thought of how beautiful she looked when she was happy with the ease of long practice.

Through the laughter, which only grew when he joined in, she managed to add, "Besides, I don't want to be in the mess hall. It's so much better being alone with you."

The laugh died in Chakotay's throat and his eyes widened at the secondary way her words could be taken, and he quickly looked away before she could see the heat in his eyes as an image of what they could be doing popped into his head before he could stop it.

Her laughter died as well as she realized what she had just said, and she said his name softly. "Chakotay…"

"Kathryn, I…" He was still looking at the ground.

She reached out to place her hand on his knee. "That's just it. It's only when I'm alone with you that I get to be Kathryn."

Chakotay placed his hand lightly over hers. "You're always Kathryn."

She smiled, but it was almost sad.

Before she could respond to the question she saw in his eyes the computer beeped and Tuvok's flat voice filled the room. "All senior officers report to the bridge."

They both rose immediately, snapping into duty-mode. Kathryn was slapping her combadge even as they headed for the door. "Janeway to Bridge, report!"

"Captain, our sensors have detected traces of neosorium on a planet in the next system."

Kathryn froze for an instant a few steps out of her quarters and turned to look at Chakotay with wide eyes. "Neosorium?" She clarified.

"That is correct, Captain." Tuvok replied, no hint of the excitement Kathryn felt coursing through her in his voice.

"We're on our way." She responded as she and her first officer quickened their pace to the bridge.

Neosorium could mean only one thing. Federation technology.

=/\=

"The scans are conflicting, Captain." Harry reported twenty minutes later when the senior officers had assembled in the briefing room. "All of our readings on the planet show it supports a pre-industrial humanoid species, yet we're also getting localized readings of neosorium, quaratum, titanium, and other advanced compounds."

"A ship could have landed there." Tom piped up.

"Or crashed." Kathryn added. "The question is, where did that ship come from?"

"There is no indication of wormhole activity in the area." Seven replied.

"B'Elanna, how soon can we head over to investigate?" Chakotay turned towards the chief engineer, who was busily tapping into a PADD.

"I'm assigning extra personnel to the mining operations, we should be able to have all the deuterium we can carry stored in about six more hours." B'Elanna responded as she continued to reorganize personnel.

"I could take a shuttle." Tom offered at once. "For all we know it's the decayed remains of a two-hundred-year old ship that got sucked through a wormhole and wouldn't be of any use to us."

"Captain, at maximum warp a shuttle would arrive at the planet only two hours and nineteen minutes ahead of Voyager." Tuvok interjected. "I do not believe it is worth the risk."

"Risk?" Tom said cockily as he spun to face the Vulcan. "It's just in the next system over."

"I have compiled the statistics of successful versus unsuccessful shuttle missions you have been on, Mr. Paris." Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "Would you like the numbers?"

B'Elanna choked back a laugh, and even Harry couldn't help the small smile that rose to his face. Chakotay suddenly got very interested in a PADD he was holding, not wanting to enter into this conversation. Seven only watched with interest, likely calculating the statistics in her head.

Tom's cheeks heated, more from indignation than embarrassment, and he was about to reply when the captain held up a hand.

"We'll just wait until we can take _Voyager_." She decided. "Although we've never run across another organization that uses neosorium, it is possible other species have developed it. I want Voyager's firepower just in case it's not a Federation ship, and it's hostile."

"A wise precaution, Captain." Tuvok nodded his agreement.

"Continue to get what scans we can from here." Kathryn ordered Harry as she rose. "We'll leave orbit the minute we have all the deuterium on board. Dismissed."

=/\=

"It's definitely Federation, Captain." Harry reported the next day as they orbited the planet the readings were coming from. "And it definitely crashed, scans of the remaining fragments show roughly eight to ten years ago. The computer can't tell what type of ship it was."

"Can you isolate any biosigns other than the natives?" Chakotay questioned as he caught Kathryn's eye. He wasn't sure if he wanted there to be survivors or not; it would be disheartening to think about everyone on the ship having died, but somehow it was worse to imagine them marooned here, without even the chance _Voyager_ had to get home.

"About sixty lifesigns, all within ten square kilometers on a remote plain of the smallest continent. No native presence at all on that continent." Harry replied after a moment of tapping buttons. "I've got humans, Bajorans, a Vulcan…"

"Try hailing them, maybe they still have a comm unit working." Kathryn cut him off with a note of excitement rising in her voice. This could lead to a way home, depending on how they had gotten there, and even if it didn't it could supply them with badly needed personnel to replace those who had been lost over the years, although she wasn't sure how they would fit sixty more people on the ship. And, the crux of the matter in her mind, sixty people who had thought they could never return home would at least have a chance at it.

"Hailing on all Federation frequencies." Harry responded.

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Do you read me?"

After nearly a minute passed with no response to the repeating hail, Kathryn ordered the channel closed. "We're going to have to go down there."

Chakotay nodded, letting his head turn towards the helm. "Paris, with me. I'll take a security officer just in case, but I think we should keep the team small until we know what we're dealing with."

"Agreed." Kathryn said as him and Tom headed for the turbolift, none of her disappointment showing in her voice. She really wanted to be the one to contact these people, but even knowing no natives were around, and that they were dealing with Federation survivors, she knew that Tuvok and Chakotay would protest her wanting to beam down before they were certain the situation was safe. And it wasn't worth the argument; she would get to meet these people soon enough.

=/\=

"Put us down about half a kilometer outside what seems to be the main village center." Chakotay instructed the transporter operator as him and Tom waited for Mike Ayala to join them in the transporter room.

Tom entered his authorization into the storage locker while they waited, pulling out belts, and the phasers and tricorders that went with them. "I wonder what we're going to find down there."

"There've been five starships lost over the hundred years since the Federation started using neosorium that I can think of - just because it crashed in the past eight to ten years doesn't mean it wasn't lost from the Alpha Quadrant earlier than that." Chakotay commented absently as he strapped on the belt, automatically checking that the phaser was on stun before attaching it to the belt. "And it may not have been a starship, plenty of Federation freighters and other small ships use neosorium as well."

Mike's arrival stopped whatever reply Tom would have made, and the three men stepped up onto the transporter pad after the security officer had suited up.

"Energize."

They moved in the direction of the settlement once they had materialized, speculating quietly on what they were going to find. They didn't have their tricorders or phasers out, and so were surprised when two running children suddenly stumbled across their path.

The children took one look at their uniforms and froze, fear crossing their faces.

Chakotay held a hand up soothingly, wondering why the boys were afraid of them. "I'm Commander Chakotay of…"

"Starfleet." The older of the boys hissed, before grabbing the other child and bolting in the direction they had come from as fast as their short legs could carry them.

The three officers looked at each other in confusion.

"So it wasn't a Starfleet ship?" Tom asked the obvious question after a moment, pulling out his tricorder to make certain they weren't surprised again.

Chakotay shrugged, pulling out his tricorder as well. "We're almost to the village, I guess we'll see. But stay alert." He called up to _Voyager _briefly, informing them about the latest development, and with the captain's urge for caution still ringing in their ears the men set off for the village again, although more warily this time.

The boys had obviously spread the word; a crowd was gathered at the edge of the village by the time they drew into sight of it, and although Chakotay didn't see any weapons this was definitely not a group of people happy to see them.

"Something's not right here. All the species I see are Federation, as was the ship, but…" He said softly to the two men at his side. Moving slowly, he removed his phaser from his belt and handed it to Mike. "Stay back here, order a beam-out if anything goes wrong."

"Commander…" Tom started to protest at once, but Chakotay cut him off.

"They seem more afraid than angry." Chakotay said softly even as he started to move forward, his hands loose and open at his sides. "Just stay on your toes."

He was within five meters of the group of people when a woman of average height, her long brown hair catching in the wind, moved into view. The group parted for her, and Chakotay froze in shock as his eyes ran over her features rapidly before meeting green eyes that instantly took him eight years back in time.

"I never thought I'd see _you_ again." Her voice was as melodious as he remembered, with the same teasing lilt in it, and the smile on her face only intensified his memories. Before he could find his voice she spoke again. "Although I never thought you'd be back in that uniform either."

"Christine…" His voice was barely a whisper, and before he could say more she was charging towards him.

Watching from a good fifty meters out, Tom and Mike raised their phasers as a woman charged towards Chakotay, spreading out slightly and starting to run forward. Yet before either could get a good shot the woman had thrown her arms around Chakotay, who grabbed her in return, picking her up and spinning her around in a joyous circle.

They paused for an instant to exchange puzzled glances, then continued moving forward, although they did lower their phasers. Then it was Mike's turn to stare in shock at the group of people assembled before them. He only knew about four or five of them, but it was enough.

"What is it?" Tom asked in frustration as Mike stopped, paling slightly before whispering something too softly for Tom to pick up. "Ayala!"

Mike managed to get his voice working loudly enough to say two words to Tom before he charged towards the group, catching one of the Bajoran men in a back-slapping bear hug.

Eyes wide, Tom tried to process things even as he tapped his communicator automatically. "Paris to _Voyager_."

"Tom?" Janeway's voice conveyed concern, and he realized belatedly that it was probably caused by the fact that it wasn't her first officer reporting in.

"We're all fine down here, Captain." He hastened to reassure her as he watched Chakotay set the woman back on her feet. "But I know why they weren't happy to see Starfleet uniforms. I think you better get down here."

"Tom?"

Tom's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open as the dark-haired woman hitched herself up, legs wrapping around Chakotay's waist as she kissed him hard on the mouth.

Tom felt like the bottom had dropped out of his world, and he cursed lady luck as he wondered if he could delay her beaming down without making her suspicious.

"Paris, report!"

He responded to that voice as he had been trained to do, repeating the two words Ayala had said to him with trepidation filling him. "They're Maquis."

TBC….

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AN2: Credit for the opening line goes to OpheliaImmortal, who gave it to me as a prompt for one of my 25 Moments. But it ended up not getting used, was too funny to just throw out, and made for a cute opening.

And you all know me by now, this fic will be J/C, but you've gotta give it time. So please don't freak out about how the first chapter ends

Hope everyone enjoyed this new story, more will be out soon. (I'm over half done with it after an amazing writing session these past two days - I love when it flows like that. Just needs to be edited and such, so expect a new part every few days)


	2. Happiness

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just taking some characters that were mistreated and trying to make them a little happier.

AN: Thanks to everyone for your reviews, I'm glad this story is being enjoyed!

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In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

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_"You know you love someone when you want them to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness."_

=/\=

Chapter 2: Happiness

=/\=

"Christine." Chakotay whispered her name again as he set her on her feet, his arms still wrapped around her. She grinned at him, saying his name just as softly, and the twinkle in her eyes and increase of pressure in the hands on his shoulders were his only warning before she hopped up, wrapping her legs around his waist.

More memories flooded through him, and his hands came up to cup her ass in a familiar gesture as she leaned in. She tasted just as he remembered, and for a minute all he could do was bask in the familiar touch.

A throat clearing beside him brought him partially back to himself, and Tom's quiet words, "The Captain is on her way down," hit him like a bucket of cold water.

Chakotay pulled back from the kiss at once, letting his hands slide up to her waist and pushing gently to coax her down.

Christine hopped down at once, sliding her arms down from around his neck, and he couldn't bring himself to pull his hand away when she gripped it after sliding her hand knowingly down his arm.

He was as surprised to see her as she was to see him, but in a different way; the ship she had been on had disappeared in the Badlands nearly eight years ago. He had spent months mourning her death, and to have her standing in front of him now, the taste of her still on his lips, was such a shock to his system that he didn't know what to say.

She took a small step away to look up into his face more comfortably. "Chakotay, what's going on? How did you get here? What captain? And why are you back in uniform?"

Chakotay took a deep breath, trying to get his mind back into the present. He took another step back, releasing her hand as he tried to get an image from the last time he had seen her out of his head. "A lot has happened in the past eight years, Christine." He said softly. "I'll let the Captain explain, but I promise you she's not your enemy. I trust her with my life."

"If you trust her, then I will too." Her words were immediate, and she tried to move back into his embrace as she said softly, "It's just so good to see you again."

Chakotay placed his hands on her shoulders, holding her a pace back, and saw the confusion enter her face. "It's good to see you too, but how did you get here? We thought that…"

The sound of a transporter interrupted him, and he dropped his hands from her shoulders and spun to face the captain as she materialized. He felt Christine's hand come to rest on his back as she stepped up beside him, her cheek resting lightly against his upper arm even as she slid her hand down his back to take his hand again.

Chakotay took a deep breath, then another as he saw Kathryn's eyebrows shoot up as she took in the scene in front of her. He clamped down on every emotion shooting through him, and kept his face blank as he gamely introduced a former lover to the woman he was currently in love with. "Christine Martin, Captain Kathryn Janeway."

This was going to be fun.

=/\=

They retired to one of the small buildings in the village, one that had the look of a meeting hall to it. They were joined by three of the other villagers, two of whom Chakotay recognized although he hadn't known well. But there was one face missing.

"Christine, where's Captain Konta?" Chakotay asked once he, Mike, Tom, and Kathryn were seated with the four villagers.

"He didn't survive the second trip." Her eyes grew sad, and he had to stamp down the instinctive desire to comfort her. Konta had been one of the first Maquis, a Bajoran who had been fighting Cardassians his entire life, and a good friend to both of them.

"Second trip?" Kathryn's eyes flicked between Chakotay and Christine consideringly, but whatever her feelings were on the obvious history between them they didn't show in her face. "Ms. Martin, what happened to you?"

Her eyes still held a sheen of tears, and Chakotay gave her a moment to collect herself by filling Kathryn in on the backstory. "Almost eight years ago, an Apollo-class freighter that the Maquis had…uh, liberated from a Vulcan scrap yard was lost in the Badlands. We never found any debris, but had to assume that it had been destroyed by either the Cardassians or the plasma storms. There were about thirty Maquis onboard, along with around sixty civilians that had been saved from a Cardassian raid on a village."

"Twenty-eight Maquis, sixty-four civilians." The Vulcan female sitting with them spoke softly. "Our ship was the _Pol Roux_."

"And you are?" Kathryn turned to face her.

"T'lana." She replied in the same quiet voice, although there was a challenge in her eyes as they met Kathryn's. "I am a doctor, and a Maquis."

"There are no more Maquis." Mike piped up bitterly.

Four heads swiveled rapidly to face him, and Kathryn shot him a glare. She hadn't wanted to bring that up this early. "A lot has happened in eight years, and I promise we'll explain all about that later, but first, please, tell me how you got here."

"You're not going to believe it." Christine had finally composed herself enough to continue the discussion, and continued to speak as she read Kathryn's expression. It basically said, _try me_, so she did. "We were almost out of the Badlands when out of nowhere we were scanned by a coherent tetryon beam. Before we could even begin to pinpoint its source our sensors detected…"

"A massive displacement wave, moving towards you." Kathryn finished the sentence, her eyes catching Chakotay's, which were as wide as she imagined her own were.

"Yes, how did you…"

"And you found yourself 70,000 light years from the Badlands, facing some kind of array that didn't match anything you had on record." Chakotay interrupted this time.

Christine reached out to lay a hand on his arm, and although his eyes flicked almost nervously to Kathryn he didn't withdraw from her touch. "It happened to you too, didn't it?"

Chakotay nodded, briefly filling her in on how both the _Val Jean_ and _Voyager_ had arrived in the Delta Quadrant, and the circumstances that had brought him back into the uniform.

"You're lucky you didn't have that idiot try and send you home." The huge Bajoran man at the table chimed in then, disgust evident in his voice.

Kathryn glanced his way in surprise, feeling a similar shock run through the rest of her officers. Before she could say anything though, Mike blurted out, "What are you talking about, Bear?"

"We lost three Maquis and fourteen civilians on the first trip." Bear replied. "It's not exactly a smooth ride. And after the cap'n convinced the old man to send us home, well, let me ask you a question. Does this look like home to you?"

"He tried to send you home and you ended up here?" Kathryn couldn't keep the shock or horror from her voice, and the fourth person at the table, a human-looking male, offered her a small smile.

"I am Curran, Captain, and I am Betazoid." His voice was surprisingly loud for such a small man. "Although I don't need to be at the moment, the shock is written on your face. I did not sense deception in him; I truly believe that he meant to send us home. But he said the station wasn't really designed for travel both ways, and that it would be incredibly complicated to try and send us back."

"But the cap'n was very persuasive, and finally the old man did try." Bear took up the story, anger and bitterness still flashing in his eyes. "Our ship came out of whatever conduit he created here, so badly damaged that it was all we could do to hold it together enough to not break into a million pieces as we crashed. We lost five more Maquis, including the cap'n, and another fourteen civilians in the crash. And we didn't even get home."

There was silence for a long moment, as the four villagers relived the loss in their heads, and the other four tried to comprehend the horror of it.

It was Christine who finally broke the silence, addressing herself to Kathryn although her gaze kept sliding to Chakotay. "So, how did you travel so far in just seven years?

=/\=

The conversation had continued for nearly an hour after that, primarily with explanations of what each group had gone through over the past years.

The village was built from a combination of ship debris, local wood, and stone, and acres of farmland spread out around the village. Animals grazed in fenced in areas. And Kathryn had seen at least two children that were younger than eight, meaning they were starting families as well.

While Voyager had been fighting the Kazon, Viidians, Borg, and countless others, the fifty-six survivors of the _Pol Roux _had been creating a new life for themselves on this planet.

They had never thought to be able to leave, nor to hear news of those they had left behind.

When Chakotay had finally related to them all how the Maquis had been destroyed, all four had had tears in their eyes, and Kathryn had forced herself to sit motionless and expressionless as her first officer wrapped himself around Christine's back when she broke down sobbing.

Kathryn got through that, and everything else, with sheer willpower, keeping her thoughts concentrated on getting from one moment to the next, pushing anything else away.

The emotions that the revelation of the disastrous trip 'home' had brought out in Kathryn, emotions she had so ruthlessly suppressed when down on the planet, hit her all at once as she and the rest of the original away team beamed back to _Voyager_.

She had spent all these years drowning in guilt about stranding her crew out here, and it was possible that she had actually saved all of them, not just the Ocampa. At least they still had a shot at getting home. She ruthlessly shoved that line of thought down for later contemplation, she had more pressing concerns at the moment.

They planned to return to the surface the next day, but Christine and the other de facto leaders of the colony had wanted the afternoon and night to inform the rest of the people about everything that was going on, and Kathryn had agreed, realizing that this would have to be handled delicately.

Although these people were different in many ways from how Chakotay and his people had been when joining _Voyager_, they had been out of action for eight years after all, convinced that they could never return home and their lives would be spent living quietly and peacefully on this planet, they had also never been forced to work through their hatred and bitterness towards the Federation. Although no one had been outright hostile, and the four leaders had been polite, Kathryn had seen the hatred on the faces of many of the people as their eyes focused on nothing but the uniforms she and her officers wore.

She hadn't brought up the idea yet of taking them home, not wanting to hit them with too much at once.

There was no way she could leave them stranded here, but _Voyager _would be severely overcrowded if they took them all on, not to mention the tensions that were likely to resurface. She also had to worry about the fact that over half of them were civilians, and she had no idea if they had any skills that would be useful aboard a starship. And the idea of taking on Christine, a woman who was so obviously special to Chakotay, caused a clenching in her heart that she wasn't prepared to deal with.

"Captain?" Chakotay spoke softly from her side.

Kathryn jolted, realizing they were still standing in the transporter room, and that all three men were waiting for her orders. But only one thing came to mind. "Dismissed."

Mike left at once, and she knew how quickly word would spread over who they had found down there. Tom tried to catch her eye but she avoided him, and after a second he left as well.

"I'll see you at 0800 tomorrow, Commander." Kathryn said softly when she didn't hear Chakotay follow them out.

"Our dinner last night got interrupted." His voice came just as softly from her side. "Join me tonight?"

"Chakotay, I…"

"I know you need to think things over by yourself, and I need to work some things out too, but I need to talk to you as well."

She heard the patience and understanding in his voice, mixed with an anxiety she knew the cause of, and when she turned to him it was with a gentle smile on her face. "I heard Christine invite you to stay down there for the night. You could have, you know." She hoped he didn't see how much that last sentence cost her.

"That's one of the things I want to talk about later." He offered, eyes shifting to the transport officer.

She gave him the barest nod. "1900 hours?"

"My quarters this time." He gave her the barest smile as he headed out. "I'd rather not deal with your replicator tonight."

"Agreed."

=/\=

_We lost five more Maquis, including the cap'n, and another fourteen civilians in the crash. And we didn't even get home._

The words of the angry man Ayala had called Bear, and the bitterness behind them, continued to revolve through Kathryn's mind later as she tried to relax in a bath.

She thought of the crewmembers she had lost over the past seven years, not counting those lost in the initial trip itself, and realized that Christine's ship had lost more people in trying to get the Caretaker to send them home than she had lost over the long journey.

Which wasn't to say the same thing would have happened to them, the rational part of her mind tried to point out. They might have lucked out and gotten home, although then she still would have had to deal with the guilt of sacrificing the Ocampa, and even if they had gotten home it would still have been a rough ride, and likely cost her more people.

Somehow the possibility of more deaths being caused by another use of the Caretaker's method of travel had never occurred to her, nor had the possibility that they wouldn't have arrived where they were supposed to.

And if they had gotten home, Chakotay would be in jail.

Kathryn let her head thump against the back of the tub as her thoughts spun in another direction. The man who had become her closest confidant, not just on the ship but in her entire life, would be in jail. She would never have gotten to know a man she respected and admired almost more than anyone in her life. Every memory she had with the man she loved, the man who was her best friend because she couldn't allow him to be more, would never have happened.

She let her head sink below the water, and for the briefest instant contemplated just staying there. At least the strange sounds caused by the water drowned out the revolving circle of thoughts in her head for a minute.

When she could hold her breath no longer she finally sat up with a gasp, heaving out a sigh as she hauled herself out of the water. She could wallow in this new information all night, but she knew that her thoughts would just continue to travel in circles

She had agonized for so many years over whether she had made the right choice in destroying the array, being certain of her righteousness in saving the Ocampa one day, then filled with guilt the next when she thought of Mike Ayala not seeing his children grow up. Then something would happen to swing her back to the first thought, then something else to the second.

Now she had more circles, more thoughts, intersecting those first two, but one thought more prominent than any other.

How would she feel if she had sacrificed the Ocampa to get them all home only to have _Voyager_ crash halfway there, with no chance of ever getting back to Earth?

The horror of that was almost too brutal to even contemplate.

At least the _Pal Roux _hadn't had to deal with that choice. They hadn't sacrificed anyone, they had just lost almost another fourth of their compliment.

She dried herself off quickly, taking the pins from her hair to let it fall down around her shoulders, and debated with herself for several moments before slipping into a comfortable dress. She had told him just last night how much she valued that she could be just _Kathryn _around him, and she needed that tonight.

Almost as much as she needed a sounding board, someone to talk to, to help her try to get her thoughts straight. She needed that, just as he had known she would when he suggested them meeting for dinner. He had given her just enough time to realize she wouldn't get anywhere on her own, yet get her thoughts in some kind of order before she had to try to explain them to him.

The man really did know her too well.

She wondered if he knew Christine that well.

She tried to squash down that last ugly thought as she headed out the door. In its place she heard an echo of his voice.

_I know I don't have any right to feel this way, but this bothers the hell out of me._

That just about summed things up.

=/\=

He really needed to stop staring out the viewport and get the table set. Yet that thought had been intruding sporadically for over ten minutes now, and he still couldn't get his feet to move. His mind was much too busy to exert control over any part of his body at the moment.

Christine Martin was alive. The first girl he had ever kissed. The first one he had ever loved. And once you loved someone, you never really stopped unless they did something so horrible it turned that love to hate. And even then, a tiny bit of the love would remain. At least for him.

Chakotay knew that for a painful fact.

But she had never done anything to turn that love to hate, and he had still thought about her from time to time. Wondered what might have happened between them if she hadn't died.

Seeing Christine today had been like a gift from the spirits. Something that made the whole Delta Quadrant mess seem to mean something. If he hadn't been stranded out here, he would have never found her.

Or Kathryn.

His thoughts came back full circle as the woman he loved more than he had ever loved another in his life popped back into his head a second before his door chimed.

He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself before calling softly, "Enter."

Kathryn took in the unset table and lack of food the instant she walked through the door, but rather than commenting on them directly only offered softly, "I'm not the only one whose thoughts are running in circles, am I?"

He shook his head, and turned to face her. "It all seems so surreal. When we first found out that the Maquis had been wiped out, it took me a long time to deal with all the feelings that evoked."

"I remember." Kathryn said softly as she moved closer, recalling what an emotional wreck he had been and how she had tried to help him through it as much as she could.

"And now to find out that some of them are alive, and not just any Maquis, but…" Chakotay trailed off, embarrassed and suddenly realizing who he was talking to.

But her voice was still soft and concerned, no hint of pain showing when she replied, "Tell me about Christine."

As much as he wanted, needed, to talk, he shook his head, and knew she saw the conflict in his eyes when her own softened further. He finally offered hesitantly, "I've known her for almost half my life. We met at the Academy, dated for three years although not really seriously, and then were assigned to different ships. We kept in touch, and met for shore leave on occasion, but didn't really see each other again on a regular basis until we both joined the Maquis. We were together again for almost six months, and then for the past eight years I've thought she was dead."

"Which was why I was surprised you didn't want to stay down there and catch up." She offered softly.

"That's not what we would have done if I stayed down there." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and then he found himself unable to meet her eyes.

"You have a right to be happy, Chakotay." Even through the pain clenching her heart at the thought, she meant the words. She couldn't allow herself to be with him, and that meant she had no right to keep him from someone else. And she really did love him enough to want him to be happy.

"Kathryn, you're thinking about asking them to come with us, aren't you?"

She couldn't figure out what that had to do with anything, but she nodded. "I know it'll be crowded, but we can't just leave them stranded out here."

"If they were going to stay on the planet, it would be different. We've both had… encounters like that before." Chakotay caught her eyes again, and knew just how intense his own much be when hers widened. But he also saw the pleading in her eyes, and knew that she didn't want him to go down this path. So he shifted. "But if she's going to become a member of this crew, then it wouldn't be appropriate for me to be in a relationship with her. And I'm not going to start something again only to have to give it up."

Kathryn felt the relief go through her when he shifted the conversation away from the personal, but she also felt a tingle of shame. They were supposed to be best friends, and she couldn't even let him be honest about his feelings with her.

"She wouldn't be under your direct command, Chakotay, and besides, some things are just different out here. They have to be." Kathryn couldn't figure out why she was trying to talk him into this, except that she wanted him to be happy. She couldn't imagine how much it would hurt her if he did have a relationship with Christine on the ship, and she was forced to see them together every day. But she knew it would hurt more to continue to see the occasional flares of loneliness in his eyes, and to know that it was his devotion to her that was keeping him from finding happiness with someone else.

His eyes held hers as he replied, "Sometimes they're not different enough."

Kathryn took a deep breath, and repeated her earlier words. "You have a right to be happy. Chakotay, if you want…"

"I don't know if she would make me happy or not." He interrupted, and stunned her into silence. "Eight years is a long time, and neither of us is the same person we were when we were together. We were in love once, and I suppose we'll always love each other in that way you do, and maybe… But we'd have to get to know each other again, and before that could happen I would have to sort-out some other feelings as well, and give up on something I've wanted for a very long time."

"Chakotay…" Her voice was soft, because she knew exactly what he was talking about. The idea of giving up on that _something_, on the idea of being with him one day, hurt almost more than she could bear. But she had been selfish for so long where he was concerned, and the idea of holding him to her if he could be happy elsewhere broke part of her heart. Although a larger part broke at the idea of losing him, she buried that pain under the mountain that she lived with on a daily basis.

His hand reached out, taking hers gently. "I would have to be sure it would work before I risked losing something else, and hurting someone that I… that I care about."

"You can never be sure a relationship will work." Their eyes locked together on her hesitant words, and both understood they were having a double conversation. He was looking for hope, but she was uncertain if she should give it to him. Kathryn knew it would be the most selfish thing she had ever done if she tried to dissuade him from being with Christine when she offered him nothing but friendship. The thought that popped into her head, that she should offer him more than that, that the time was finally right and she couldn't bear to be without him for another day, refused to be locked away in the back of her head where she normally carried it. But before she could even begin to consider whether or not it was finally time to stop knocking it there with the protocol bat, he began to speak, and her eyes were drawn back up to meet his, which burned with the same quietly compelling passion that was in his voice.

"Sometimes you can. Maybe something will happen between us, and maybe it won't, but I'm a patient man, Kathryn. And some things are worth the wait." He heard the intensity in his own voice, but knew that although he meant the words to refer to himself and Kathryn, she could take them to mean him and Christine. She could keep the comfortable illusion she had always insisted on. But he was skirting the edge, and deliberately reigned himself in before he stepped over her line. "But that's a problem for another day. I know you, and I know you've got much darker thoughts circling around in that head of yours than my happiness."

Kathryn took a deep breath, more grateful than she could ever remember being for his patience, support, and how well he understood her. She couldn't deal with discussing their personal feelings at the moment, not when her own were still so jumbled. It was indeed a problem for another day, and although some of her thoughts had indeed been revolving around him, most of them were, as he had said, darker.

She began to lay out the thoughts that had been tormenting her for the past hours, knowing that even if they didn't come to any conclusions, she would feel better for simply having shared her thoughts, and for spending a few hours in his strong and calming presence.

She could already feel herself calming down, although her heart stuttered briefly when he gently reached out to take her hand as she whispered her earlier thought of how he would be in jail if she had used the array and they had actually gotten home.

The horror of the thought truly swelled her chest now as she gazed into his caring eyes, and felt his warm hand softly squeezing her own. If she had used the array to get them home, what was now the closest friendship of her life would have never formed. She wouldn't have fallen in love with the most amazing man she had ever known.

She broke eye contact then as her last thought echoed in her head, her eyes sliding shut as he shifted his hand to lace their fingers together and she felt a sharp pain stab at her heart. Her memories flashed back to seeing him hand in hand with Christine earlier in the day.

Kathryn summoned all her strength and pushed the thought away. She had been telling the truth earlier when she said she wanted him to be happy, and she had to concentrate on that rather than the terror that threatened to overwhelm her when she imagined the idea of him no longer by her side. The image of another woman in his arms, another woman kissing him while locked of the throws of passion, another woman knowing how special it could make you feel to be loved by him.

She replaced it with an image of him smiling, and even if she wasn't the one that had caused his happiness she still wanted it more than anything. She told herself that as she turned back to him and continued the conversation where they had left off, and she almost believed it.

She laid out her circling logic on if stranding them in the Delta Quadrant had actually been the best possible decision, and tried to ignore the nagging worry in her mind that it wasn't her professional decisions that had been wrong, but her personal ones.

TBC…..


	3. Memories

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just taking some characters that were mistreated and trying to make them a little happier.

AN: So normally in fanfic I try to never do scenes that don't include the main characters, and I generally do little with characters I have created, they're just there for the plotline. But in order to tell the story I wanted, I had to do a great deal with Christine. I know some people have serious objections to non-cannon characters, and I apologize to those of you who don't like the direction this is going. But so many authors have used KJ's former romances in fanfic that I felt it was about time someone did the same with one of Chakotay's former girlfriends. I'm glad comments on her have been positive so far, hopefully you'll continue to like her. Reviews are appreciated as always.

* * *

In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

"_Our dreams must be stronger than our memories. We must be pulled by our dreams, rather than pushed by our memories." -Jesse Jackson_

_=/\=_

Chapter 3: Memories

"It hasn't occurred to any of them yet, has it?" T'lana asked as she and Christine disrobed and slipped into one of the natural hot springs near the village.

"That Janeway will likely offer to take us with her?" Christine knew exactly what was on the Vulcan's mind. "I'm sure it hasn't. They're still reeling from what we told them about the fate of the Maquis, and the very idea of meeting people from the Alpha Quadrant after all this time. Especially since we know some of them."

T'lana ignored that for the moment. "Should we get everyone back together later and discuss what we want to do? Or wait for Janeway to make the offer?"

"We might as well discuss it tonight." Christine sighed. "I'm sure it will occur to some of them sooner or later, especially the couple that used to be Starfleet. Although I think I know what the general consensus will be."

"They're going to want to stay."

"You think so, too?" Christine turned to look at her long-time friend.

"It is logical. We have made a home here, and are living in peace, which is all most of us wanted. There are no Cardassians here to persecute us, and no Federation to dictate where we must live, or to call us terrorists for defending ourselves." T'lana replied. "I would not choose to leave, particularly with no guarantee we would even reach our old home. Especially as it will not be the home we knew."

"I thought about that. Despite how far they've come, _Voyager _still has thirty more years to travel, and we both know how dangerous unknown space can be." Christine let out a deep sigh as the steaming water relieved some of the tension she had been carrying around all day. But it could only do so much. "It's still tempting."

"The ship or the man?" T'lana replied, curiosity the only thing evident in her voice.

"Chakotay was the first man I ever loved." Christine said wistfully, memories swirling through her. "I won't say the idea of getting back with him isn't appealing, but I'm sure we've both changed a lot in the time we've been apart. And Curran warned me earlier that there's something between him and Janeway. I saw it too."

"As did I." The Vulcan answered matter-of-factly. "Which is why I was asking if the ship or the man was tempting."

"Both, I suppose." Christine said softly. "I love this place, and all the people in it. And I'm proud of what we've made here. But there's a small part of me that is thrilled at the idea of having another chance to get back to Earth. And another part that wonders if Chakotay and I could be what we used to be to each other again."

"You are our leader, Christine, and if you choose to go I imagine many would follow you. But what of those who do not wish to leave?"

"I wouldn't force anyone to leave."

"We are already a small colony, and even with the methods we have discussed to attempt to create a stable gene pool, sustaining this village will not be easy." T'lana reminded her. "What will happen if we lose half the village? Or even a fourth of it?"

"We could always invite them to stay here with us." Christine tossed the idea out jokingly, then gave it deeper thought when her friend only cocked her head and raised an eyebrow.

"It would solve several problems. It would increase our gene pool, not to mention giving us more bodies to do work." T'lana thought out loud. "And it would end their perilous journey, allow them to have a home. Maybe not the one they are trying to return to, but a good home where they can be content."

Christine nodded. "Let's give the people another hour or two, and then we'll get everyone together. It has to be a group decision, either we all go, or we all stay. And if we stay, do we invite them to join us? I can think of a few people in particular that would object to inviting over a hundred Starfleet officers to join us."

"But not you?"

Christine smiled wistfully, resting her head back against the bank of the pool and allowing her eyes to slid closed. "Not in the slightest."

=/\=

"Captain, Commander." Christine greeted the command team formally when they beamed down the next morning.

"Ms. Martin." Kathryn nodded her head. "How are you doing this morning?"

"A little tired." Christine smiled slightly at the honest concern behind the question. "We were all up talking pretty late last night. Before we discuss anything else, I wanted you to know that we wanted to offer shore leave to your entire crew."

"Assuming you still had most of the same people with you as when we vanished, Chakotay, there are a lot of people down here who are anxious to see some old friends." Curran chimed in from his place at Christine's side.

"Most of them." Chakotay smiled. "I'm sure B'Elanna is looking forward to seeing you again, you were the only engineer that could even hold a candle to her."

Curran smiled. "I'm afraid I'm a bit out of practice."

"We don't have a lot to offer." Christine redirected the conversation. "But there are hot springs not too far outside the village, and a lake for swimming. There's a field we keep empty for games. Plus, I remember how nice it is just to breath non-recycled air for a day or two, and just relax."

"I had been hoping we could talk about an offer…" Kathryn began, but Christine cut her off.

"In a day or two, if it would be okay."

The two women's eyes locked, and finally it was Kathryn who broke the staring contest with a small nod and smile. "You already know what I'm going to offer, Ms. Martin."

Christine returned the small smile. "I was a Starfleet officer for half my life, Captain. I know what I would do in your place. But I think it might be a good idea to let our people mingle a little, get to know each other, and get used to the idea."

"Both groups have been isolated for a long time." Kathryn thought it over, and it really did seem like a good idea. "And it has been a while since we took shore leave."

"I know you'll have to rotate people, but…" Christine trailed off as she watched a look pass between Chakotay and his captain, and had the uneasy feeling that they were reading each other's thoughts. The feeling increased when Chakotay nodded, although nothing had been said, and the captain tapped her combadge and took a few steps away from the group.

"Janeway to Voyager."

"Voyager here, Captian." Tuvok's calm voice answered at once.

"Mr. Tuvok, go to code blue." Kathryn ordered. "We've been offered shore leave, and I would like everyone to be able to take as much time off as possible."

"What's going on?" Christine asked Chakotay softly.

"We're going to land the ship."

=/\=

"Chakotay really has a thing for strong women, doesn't he?" Tom commented casually as he and B'Elanna reclined on a picnic blanket a few hours after the ship had landed, watching some of the crew and colonists mix in a game of ashidake, which was similar to old Earth soccer.

B'Elanna rubbed an absent hand over her stomach, trying to sooth the baby who apparently wanted to join the game as well, as she watched Christine bark orders to her team. Memories from years ago welled up in her, and she offered softly, "He does. And they were really good together. He had brief things with various women in the Maquis, but once he found her again it was like a light went on inside of him. I remember him telling me how long they had been together at the Academy, and how much he loved her. She was the only woman he ever looked at that way until…"

"Until our captain." Tom finished softly when she trailed off, noticing that very woman standing across the field with Seven, likely still trying to talk the ex-Borg into relaxing. Although she was in casual clothes, the captain didn't look relaxed at all. Her saw a flinch cross her face and her body tense before she turned deliberately from the field.

Tom spun his gaze back to the field just in time to see Chakotay offering Christine a hand up. Both of them were laughing, and she didn't stop her momentum as he pulled her up, sliding her arms around him in a quick hug that was returned warmly.

"I want to be happy for him." B'Elanna whispered after a second, knowing Tom would understand exactly what she was saying. "But then I think about how much it hurt when you were dating other women, back before I would let myself admit how I felt about you. Then I think about her."

Tom watched as B'Elanna's gaze shifted briefly to the captain, who was walking away from the field with her back even straighter than normal. He confessed, "I'm not as patient as he is. I had almost given up on you loving me back, had almost decided that I had to move on, for my own sanity."

"Chakotay has been at that _almost_ point a few times." B'Elanna confided softly. Despite the fact that her husband was one of the biggest gossips on the ship, she knew this conversation would never be repeated. He was simply too good a man for that, something she was almost over being surprised about. "That month we were in the void, when she locked herself in her quarters. When she wouldn't come out, or talk to anyone, or let him comfort her in even the most basic way. He tried to not let anyone see how much she was hurting him, but he wanted to comfort her so much, he could see her just slipping away, and…"

Tom slid his arm comfortingly around his wife as she trailed off, obviously battling with her need to talk to someone about it against the thought of how private a man Chakotay was, and how he would feel knowing she was betraying his confidence. When she didn't continue, Tom offered softly, "I've got a pretty good idea what a few of the other times were."

"It's not hard, when you think of some of the things she's done." B'Elanna answered, although there was no condemnation in her voice. "He loves her so much, but she won't let him. She can only push him away so many times before he decides that this time his heart can't risk him trying again. I want him happy, gods I do, but I always thought…"

This time, Tom completed her thoughts. "You always thought it would be with the captain."

B'Elanna nodded once, then again more vigorously. "He loves her, far more than he ever loved Christine."

"But like you said, the captain won't let him love her." Tom said softly, watching Chakotay sweep Christine around in a circle when she scored a point, and the gentle way their lips met as she slid down his body. His eyes widened when his first officer patted her bottom with a grin as she slid away, and he heard B'Elanna chuckle. "What?"

"He looks so happy." B'Elanna's voice was sad in contrast. "He's such a gentle man at heart, and full of so much compassion. There are time when the fact that he can't hold the woman he loves is like torture, when all he wants is to comfort her and instead he gets pushed away."

"Think he'll do it this time?" Tom asked curiously, clarifying when she only looked at him curiously, "Think he'll finally give up on the captain?"

There was a long moment of silence as B'Elanna turned that question over in her mind. In the end, she couldn't even decide if she thought he should or not. She was so sure that the captain loved him back, but even if she was right, that changed nothing unless Kathryn stopped denying it. Finally, all she could say was, "I don't know, Flyboy. I don't know."

=/\=

The senior staff and lead villagers socialized over a buffet table in the mess hall, a nice way to end what had been a wonderful day of fun and relaxation on the planet.

Laugher echoed from the ever shifting groups, and Seven could hear various jokes being told, stories of the past years being shared, and the usual baffling, boasting comments of the men as they talked about the sports that had happened today, and who would win tomorrow.

"You do not appear to be enjoying yourself." Tuvok commented dryly as he took up a position along the mess hall wall beside a blank-faced Seven of Nine.

"Neither does the captain." Seven commented flatly as she continued to observe the gathering.

Tuvok shifted his eyes towards the captain, seeing immediately what Seven was talking about. Although they were probably the only two who had noticed, as the captain was doing an almost perfect job of fixing a smile on her face and appearing to be both relaxing and enjoying the company around her. But both he and Seven were particularly well-trained observers, although he did wonder if she was trained enough to come to the correct conclusion as to why the captain was so tense and uncomfortable. He offered simply, "It is complicated."

When Seven made no response to that, he simply continued to stand with her and observe the gathering. After only a moment, he mentally corrected his earlier thought.

He saw Commander Chakotay catch the captain's eye, and a guilty look momentarily cross his face as he causally slid a little bit away from Christine and removed the casual arm that had been around her waist.

Three people had noticed that the captain was not relaxed and happy, although only one of them really had the power to do anything about it.

Chakotay shifted away from Christine slightly, a misplaced feeling of guilt curling in his stomach. Kathryn was halfway across the room, talking with Curran and T'lana, and he could easily have imagined seeing the hurt in her eyes for the brief instant she glanced his way. She had encouraged him to be with Christine if that was what he wanted just the night before, and she wouldn't have done that if she ever planned on allowing herself to be with him. But there had been something in her eyes, similar to how she had looked at him a few times before but even more intense, that made him not want to give up. If only he could push her, just a little…

"Chakotay, something wrong?" Christine twisted towards him, her voice lowering. He had been sharing in happy reminiscing of their Academy days will two other of her people who had been there at the same time when he suddenly tensed and shifted away from her.

"No." Chakotay's voice was soft, and he squeezed her hand briefly before releasing it. "I guess I'm just tired after running around all day in the sunlight. It's not exactly my normal life."

Christine tilted her head, looking at him with knowing eyes and sighing. "It's not that."

"Not entirely." Chakotay agreed in an even quieter voice. "I've just got too much on my mind right now."

"Maybe you should just get some sleep." Christine said with a smile. "Cause there's no way I'm gonna let our ashidake team lose the rematch tomorrow because you fall asleep on the field."

Chakotay couldn't stop from grinning at the teasing challenge in her eyes, and the swirl of attraction and affection that swelled up in him. One of the things that had drawn him to her from the start had been her sense of humor, and the way she had always known when to push him for seriousness and when to back off and tease. It was actually a skill he had developed and used when dealing with Kathryn, although he hadn't realized until this very second that he had learned it from Christine.

His grin faded as he stared into Christine's sparkling green eyes, and without thinking about it reached up to cup her cheek briefly. "I really have missed you, you know."

"Right back at you." Christine smiled. "Goodnight."

"I'll see you in the morning." Chakotay pulled her into a brief hug before excusing himself from the rest of the group, carefully avoiding Kathryn's eyes as he left the mess hall.

Kathryn tried to keep her attention on T'lana and Curran, but she felt the pain in her heart twist just a little bit tighter when she saw Chakotay casually hug Christine before excusing himself from the people he was talking to and leaving the room. He always said goodnight to her personally, even if it was just with a momentary locking of eyes across the room. He had hugged another woman, and then left without even looking at her.

Her thoughts drifted to watching the interaction between them at the game earlier in the day, and seeing them swimming on the beach with a bunch of others later on. There was a casual closeness she had always dreamed of having with him, an obvious affection and past, and he had looked happier than she had seen him in a long time.

For a second she had found herself irrationally jealous of Christine, although it was her own fault she didn't have that closeness with him. That second of jealousy was followed by a second of panic of what would happen if her focus and determination turned from the ship to him. Then the panic shifted to how she would run the ship without him by her side. How _Kathryn_ would survive without him.

And Kathryn wondered, if it really came down to it, if she could let him go. She decided that she could, because his happiness was more important than anything to her. She just didn't know if she would survive.

But she pushed that thought away along with all the others. She was the captain, and she would survive because she had no choice. Even if she did eventually come to the conclusion that destroying the array really had been the best thing for her crew, an idea that had been gaining strength in her mind ever since her talk with Chakotay the night before, she still had to get them home. She would do that, even if she lost him and had to do it on her own.

"I'm sorry T'lana, what were you saying?" Kathryn tuned back into the conversation, unconsciously tightening her body posture as she felt a dull ache begin to form behind her eyes.

She got through the rest of the gathering on autopilot, and by the time she left more than three people had noticed that something was off about her.

Christine pursed her lips as she watched the captain leave. Despite what Curran had told her there was no way the captain and Chakotay were a couple, although there was definitely an attraction on both sides. She had tried to gently feel out several of the officers here tonight on the topic of Chakotay and Janeway, but had been shut down each time, with varying degrees of cold politeness.

Which told her that either they didn't like her because she was an obstacle between whatever there _was_, or whatever they wanted there to be, between their command duo, or that they didn't like the idea of her people joining them on the journey home. No one had mentioned that yet, but everyone who had considered the situation knew Janeway's offer was a foregone conclusion.

What none of them knew was that neither she nor any of the villagers were planning on leaving with them. They had made their home, and they weren't about to leave it.

Although she supposed they would be justified in their dislike of her if their first officer accepted when she offered him a home here. Although from what she had seen tonight, and all she knew of him, she estimated the chances of that were only about fifty-fifty. If that.

TBC…


	4. Decision

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just taking some characters that were mistreated and trying to make them a little happier.

AN: Thanks to everyone for all the great comments; it's good to know people are okay with Christine and that they are enjoying this story. Oh, and because someone asked, the actual plot generated by the lovely audabee was also summed up remarkably well by her as "The Caretaker sucked at rebound shots." Everything else, from it being a Maquis ship to Christine, grew from that simple sentence.

* * *

In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

"_Never bring the problem solving stage into the decision making stage. Otherwise, you surrender yourself to the problem rather than the solution." -Robert H. Schuller_

_=/\=_

Chapter 4: Decision

=/\=

"Come in, Tom." Kathryn called with a sigh, setting the book she was failing to read on her coffee table and looking expectantly towards the door.

Neelix, Harry, and B'Elanna had already stopped by, each showing up almost exactly an hour after the previous person, and each inviting her to something going on outside that she had no interest in. And as she doubted Tuvok or Seven would be participating in this little scheme, and Chakotay was otherwise occupied, which was the reason she was locked in her room in the first place, that left Tom as the next visitor.

"Captain." He took a precise step into her quarters, exactly enough to let the doors slide shut, just as the other three had done. Although he looked much more comfortable than his wife and best friend had.

"Fourth time's the charm?" She said wryly, letting him know she was on to them.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Captain." Tom continued to meet her eyes, letting a look of puzzlement fill his face. "I'm just trying to find a fourth officer for our prayko tournament."

"Prayko?" The word flittered on the edge on her mind, undefined.

"It's Bajoran, similar to bowling. Well, sort-of." Tom clarified. "Almost a third of the villagers are Bajoran after all, and they miss the game. They don't have the right stuff to build an alley here, so we're setting it up on the holodeck. Most of the crew are already doing things, but…"

"Sorry, Tom." Kathryn cut him off. "The reason I'm here is that I just want some peace and quiet."

"We don't get shore leave that often." Tom offered her a grin, but his eyes showed too much knowledge and understanding for her comfort.

"And I had a wonderful day on the planet yesterday, today I just want to relax and read. Have fun at the game." Kathryn replied, keeping her face blank.

Tom nodded at the obvious dismissal and turned to leave. He hadn't really thought he would get anywhere, but after seeing how sad she had looked yesterday, in the brief moments when she thought no one was looking at her, he'd had to try. They all had. He stopped in the door, turning back just enough to offer softly, "Yeah, I guess you shouldn't play anyway. It's not a fair contest if you don't try your hardest to win."

The door closed before she could reply, so her whispered words echoed in the empty room. "Sometimes losing is better than a pyrrhic victory."

The words revolved through her head as she gave up on even trying to go back to her book and rose to order another cup of coffee.

What did it even mean to win in this situation? To do nothing and lose the chance of something more with the man she loved, but to see him happy? Or to try her hardest to keep him at her side, watching the loneliness and pain consume his spirit a little more every day?

A tiny voice in her head whispered that she could keep him at her side, and happy, if she could just let him love her. But if she let him love her, she would have to let herself love him. She would have to let herself be happy.

And even though the guilt of stranding them all in the Delta Quadrant was slowly draining away under the reality of how much worse things could have been, it didn't change her focus. She still had to get everyone home, and that was the only thing she could allow herself to focus on.

The order for coffee died on her lips as she looked down at the carpet in front of the replicator, and the small brownish stain on the carpet in front of it from when he had upended her replicator's latest disastrous dinner only a few nights ago. Her stomach fluttered as she remembered the heat she had seen in his eyes in the instant before he turned away from her. Screw the coffee.

"Computer, red wine, Merlot. Two glasses." The last was said out of habit, for she almost never drank unless he was over for dinner, and it wasn't until the glasses materialized that she realized what she had done. She stared at the two glasses for a long moment, then let her eyes slide shut and her head loll forward to rest against the wall.

Another long moment, a deep sigh, and she pushed away from the wall, grabbing one of the glasses and heading towards the bathroom. Two steps out, she turned back and grabbed the second glass. After all, didn't want to waste the replicator rations.

=/\=

Although she had managed to successfully isolate herself in her quarters for most of the day, the villagers had wanted to host a dinner party tonight, in return for the one in the mess hall the night before. Kathryn had felt obligated to come, a happy smile pasted upon her face just like the day before.

And although the jealousy and pain did hit every time she glanced over and saw Christine tucked under Chakotay's arm, laughing, she also felt brief spears of true happiness spurt out. He looked so happy, so comfortable, so at home.

She couldn't let herself think about what would happen after, how she would survive without him, or how she would deal with seeing him with Christine everyday. She couldn't think about that, because that didn't matter. What mattered was the smile on his face.

"On behalf of my crew, I wanted to thank you for the past two days." Kathryn smiled at Christine after everyone except she and Chakotay had returned to the ship for the night.

"It's been wonderful for us as well, Captain." Christine returned the smile. "As much as we love each other, we do on occasion get a bit tired of each other's company."

The three of them shared a small laugh as the other two nodded in understanding.

"I really don't want to delay here too long though, and I was wondering if now would be a good time to discuss the offer I wanted to make to you." Kathryn lowered her voice, wanting to make certain none of the villagers still roaming around overheard.

"You're going to ask us to come with you." Christine's voice was soft.

Kathryn nodded. "It would be a little crowded, but I can't just leave you here."

Christine chuckled. "You're assuming we want to leave."

"You're not coming with us, are you?" Chakotay asked softly, not sure if he was relieved by that or upset.

"I can't." Christine whispered, her eyes locking solely on him for a moment. "We all discussed it, and we've built a life here, Chakotay. We're not going to give it up on the chance that we could get back to Earth, or Vulcan, or Bajor someday." She waited until he nodded his understanding before turning to face Kathryn. "Thank you for your offer, Captain. We understand what a burden it would have been on you and your ship, and are more grateful than you can know that you would ask. But we can't go with you. Our lives are here now, and we will not lose that on a hope."

Kathryn caught Chakotay's eyes for an extended moment, and wondered what he would make of the wealth of emotion that she was certain was going through her own as memories flooded her. His eyes widened after a long second, and he realized the words she had been reminded of a second before she replied, "You won't give up on the present for a future that may never happen."

"Would you, Kathryn?" Christine had caught the look that passed between Kathryn and Chakotay, and held the other woman's eyes challengingly. She saw that her message had been received when Kathryn both blushed and looked away. She continued in a neutral voice, her eyes flicking between the two Starfleet officers, neither of whom would fully meet her gaze. "We did want to let you know that if any or all of you would like to stay here, you would be welcome."

Chakotay's eyes snapped up at that, and his eyes locked on Christine's as she repeated softly, her words for him alone. "You could stay."

Chakotay knew Kathryn had understood the significance of the repetition when her eyes snapped to his, and he saw her distress at the idea before her eyes turned blank and she faced Christine. "I'll speak with the crew, but we were given a similar offer once, several years ago, and everyone turned it down." Kathryn turned to Chakotay then, and there was no pain evident in her voice when she said softly, "But if anyone wants to stay, if anyone thinks they can be happy here, they will have my blessing."

Chakotay heard the slight tremor in her voice on the final words, but before he could say anything she had spun on her heel and headed for the door. "I need to get back to the ship and inform everyone of your offer. I'll give them the night to think about it, and return tomorrow morning with an answer."

"I'll follow in a moment, Captain." Chakotay was already talking to her back, but saw her nod her head. He turned back to Christine slowly, unsure of what to say.

"You knew we'd turn it down." Christine said softly after they had stared at each other for a long moment, the tension in the room rising.

"I suspected." Chakotay said softly, Christine's offer and Kathryn's reply to it still running through his head. "All the Maquis ever really wanted was a safe home, and although we wanted it to be on our own worlds, circumstances forced you to make yours here. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't have wanted to leave either."

"It could be your home too, Chakotay." Christine offered softly, although there was an odd note in her voice that he couldn't place.

He looked into her eyes, more tempted than he had expected to be. The almost buried, permanent ache of loneliness in his soul eased as he moved forward and pulled her into a gentle hug. He could be happy here, if he allowed himself to be.

An image popped into his mind accusingly of Kathryn, years ago now, saying she couldn't imagine a day without him. He wouldn't just be leaving behind a woman he loved more than anything, a woman more amazing than any he had ever known, but he would be leaving a captain who needed him, and a whole crew who had become his friends and family.

"I need to think about it, okay. I'll let you know later." Chakotay said softly into her hair, content to hold her for a moment. It wasn't just the lack of intimate touch that had been denied to him for years, but even the simple comfort that could be derived from the hug of a friend. Although he could feel his body beginning to react to the soft female form in his arms and didn't know how he felt about that, so with a gentle sigh he pulled back slowly.

"Take all the time you need." She agreed readily, kissing him lightly on the cheek.

Chakotay couldn't stop himself from reaching up and cupping her cheek as she began to withdraw. He held her eyes her an instant before leaning in and briefly catching her lips with his. They both melted into the familiar touch, into the receding of loneliness, and the kiss deepened briefly.

"Stay with me tonight." Christine whispered against his lips. Even if he didn't end up staying, even if he didn't love her like he used to, even if she didn't really know him anymore, the pure physical attraction between them still promised a memorable night. And she felt a tingling in her stomach as she remembered how skilled a lover he was.

Chakotay stiffened as words he had wanted to hear for years reached his ears in a different voice than the one he heard in his dreams.

That fact notwithstanding, it was still tempting. It would be no different really than the occasional flings he had had with random aliens, or the ones Kathryn had had for that matter. It was something hard wired into the human body, and as Kathryn refused to allow that type of closeness between them… But he couldn't ignore the little voice in his head that said this _was_ different. There were feelings involved, and being with a former love, and lover, again was vastly different than a brief case of lust over an attractive alien.

He heard again the tremor in Kathryn's voice when she had said anyone would have her blessing if they wanted to stay, and tried to put aside the kernel of doubt he had always harbored that she didn't really love him the same way he loved her. She would obviously miss her first officer, and best friend, if he were to leave, but if she loved him as he loved her he didn't see how she could be encouraging him, even lightly, to stay.

But the crux of it was that Chakotay knew that if he stayed with Christine tonight, his thoughts wouldn't be fully on her. Brown hair would lighten and turn reddish, green eyes would shift to blue. And he couldn't do that to her, or to himself.

He still felt a slight twinge of regret as he kissed her lightly on the cheek before stepping back. "Goodnight, Christine."

She accepted his avoidance gracefully, squeezing the hand she still held before dropping it and watching him leave. "Goodnight."

=/\=

"Captain." Tuvok greeted her with a precise nod as he entered her ready room an hour or so after she returned to the ship and made the announcement.

"Tuvok, what can I do for you?" She asked as she looked up from a PADD.

Tuvok took in the obvious signs of fatigue and stress on her face and in her body language, even from across the room, and walked up the stairs to join her even as he spoke, "I wanted to inform you I will be staying on _Voyager_."

Kathryn managed a smile, setting down the crew rotations she had been working on; it wasn't like she could finalize them before tomorrow morning anyway. She pushed the humor into her voice, "And here you were at the top of my list for jumping ship."

"Do you have any reason to believe anyone will accept the offer this time?" Tuvok asked calmly as he sat next to his captain, letting the joke fall flat.

"No, I'm not as concerned as I was last time." Kathryn said softly. "But could… could you come with me to the cargo bay tomorrow morning, just to see?

"The last time this offer was made, you and Commander Chakotay discussed it, and he was the one who went with you to see." Tuvok said flatly.

"I can't talk about this with him." Kathryn said softly, her eyes pleading with him to understand.

"Because you do not want to influence his decision?" Tuvok cut right to the heart of the matter.

She nodded, her cheeks heating.

"What do you want?"

"It was so different when I thought she would be coming with us." Kathryn mused as she picked her coffee cup up from the table and took a fortifying sip. "That would have been hard, but at least I would have still had my first officer, and my friend - although probably not quite as close as before. But the thought of him just being gone… Of trying to do this without him…"

Tuvok gentled his voice as he repeated the question, "What do you want?"

Kathryn's eyes snapped up to meet his at the repetition of the blunt question, and she let herself be totally honest before she could sensor herself. "I want him to stay; I don't know what I'd do without him, either professionally or personally. But I want him to be happy more than anything. And I'm not sure those two things are the same."

"If you told him you did not want him to leave, he would not." Tuvok stated matter-of-factly, although she could see the understanding and barest hint of sympathy in his eyes.

The fact that he hadn't asked for permission to speak freely earlier showed her he was thinking of her only as his friend at the moment, and if she couldn't speak to her closest friend about her fears her oldest one was a decent replacement.

"I know." She said simply, acknowledging the truth of his words even as she voiced one of her deepest fears. "And that's why I can't. I'm afraid if I did that he could come to hate me. It has to be his choice."

"And if he chooses to stay here?" Tuvok questioned.

Her held tilted, wondering exactly what he was asking her.

"If he chooses you over her, for that is essentially the choice being made here, will things continue on as they have been?"

Kathryn chuckled humorlessly. "What other choice is there?"

Tuvok's eyes shifted away from hers, and he offered neutrally, "We discussed it once, years ago."

"And I still have the same fears I did then." She whispered. "I don't even know if I believe the regulations apply in this case, but I cling to them like a drowning woman so that I don't have to think about…" She trailed off, trying to get her emotions under control. She didn't want to make her stoic friend uncomfortable, which she was certain she had the last time they had discussed this. "But first he has to make his choice."

"And I will be here, Kathryn, whatever his choice."

The uncharacteristic use of her first name, something he used only when they were having a rare deeply private conversation, brought a hint of a smile to her face, and she reached out to clasp his hand briefly. "I know you will, my old friend. I know you will."

=/\=

"It's not even a question for me." Samantha Wildman smiled as she took a sip of her drink. "My husband, Naomi's father, is waiting for me. I would never choose to stay."

"It's a little tempting." Meredith Jor admitted as she took a seat at the small table in the back of Sandrine's with Sam and B'Elanna, setting down fresh drinks for all of them. "I know a few of the people here, and it's a nice place. But…"

"But on the ship you know everyone." Yuki Kyoto finished for her from the next table. "And we have a purpose here, a family. I know I'm staying."

"Tom and I are, too." B'Elanna added, reaching for her drink and then stopping halfway when she saw the figure that had commanded her attention for the past several hours rise. "Excuse me."

He had come in almost exactly three hours ago, which was normal enough. Chakotay always kept his finger on the pulse of the crew, especially when something this important was going on. He was the captain's eyes and ears; his presence didn't make them uncomfortable likes hers did, because he had taken more time to become one of them. He was also just genuinely friendly, and his honest feelings and concern always resonated.

But rather than circulating as he always did, he had gotten a drink and gone to sit in the corner. The aura around him had invited no interruptions, and it hadn't taken a genius to figure out what he was contemplating.

"Are you really thinking about leaving?" B'Elanna cornered Chakotay before he could duck out.

"Who told you that?" His head snapped towards her immediately, and he grabbed her arm to pull her away from everyone else.

"Are you?" She yanked her arm from his hand, although she did move with him into a corner of the room.

"It's tempting." Chakotay met her eyes, letting her see the truth in his eyes.

B'Elanna smirked at him. "The lifestyle? Or Christine?"

"You know how I felt about her once, B'Elanna." Chakotay said softly. "But this is about more than her. It's about having a life, not just a duty. Not having to wonder every day if this will be the day the ship comes up against something we can't face, and someone I care about gets killed. Not having to wonder if I'll ever live on a planet again, get to live with the sun on my face and the dirt beneath my feet. Not having to wonder if the woman I love will ever let me in. I think I could be happy."

"And unless everyone else stayed too you would still worry about us, only you wouldn't be there to protect us." B'Elanna said softly. "And you would never see the woman you love again."

"I don't think I can stay." Chakotay whispered dejectedly. "It's just that I think I could be happy there. Not that I'm not happy here, most of the time, but I could have something I'll never have here. That one thing that makes life worth living."

B'Elanna smiled gently. "Love." Her hand rubbed over her stomach gently, and she took a moment to wonder at how much they had grown from the people they had been at the start of this journey. "You have to know that the captain loves you. That you could have that here."

"I'm done trying to change her mind, B'Elanna." Chakotay sounded even more defeated. "I can't risk it again."

"But do you really think you could leave her side?" B'Elanna kept her voice soft, knowing the power of the words she spoke.

Chakotay looked away from her and much as he had earlier with Christine, avoided the question. "Goodnight, B'Elanna."

"Do you, Chakotay?" Her voice rose as he turned from her and began to walk away.

He continued to walk away without answering, but that was okay, because she knew that deep down they both knew the answer.

TBC…..


	5. Risk

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just taking some characters that were mistreated and trying to make them a little happier.

AN: Shorter than normal, but I wanted to get it out because I'll be gone over the weekend, and the next part is having some editing issues at the moment, so I figured I could at least give you this scene. J/C happiness rather than J and C angst to follow after this part. And as always, reviews are greatly appreciated.

* * *

In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

"_Forget the risk and chance the fall_

_If it's meant to be it's worth it all."_

_=/\=_

Chapter 5: Risk

=/\=

Him and Kathryn were scheduled to meet with the village leaders at 0800 to let them know if anyone was remaining, but after a night spent in deep thought and meditation, and no sleep, Chakotay was off the ship by 0500.

Chakotay found Christine easily, sitting on a log and staring out over a small lake. He approached slowly, not wanting to startle her and still trying to figure out how to explain things without hurting her more than he would have to.

"You're not staying." Christine spoke before he could, and it wasn't a question.

"I can't." Chakotay said softly

"You used to look at me like that."

Chakotay could barely hear the quietly spoken words, and he took a step closer to Christine as she looked up at him with a small smile on her face.

"What?"

"I saw the looks that passed between you yesterday, Chakotay. And in the days before. It's like you can speak without words; you finish each other's sentences for goodness sake!" Christine's smile grew. "And the way you look at her… it's like you would do anything for her. Like she's the most important person in the world. You used to look at me like that."

He didn't have to ask who she was talking about, and he couldn't deny it; she knew him too well. He knew how inadequate it was when he offered an apology, but it was all he had. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I thought you were dead, and…"

"Chakotay, I'm not mad, or even upset really." Christine saw the confusion in his eyes when her smile grew, and explained gently. "You have a right be happy, and I want that for you. I always did. But you never were, not really. There was always this anger and discontent under the surface, sometimes deep and sometimes barely contained. I tried to help, I did what I could, but… but it's gone now. Completely gone. There's a peace about you that I never thought you would find, and I can see that it's because of her."

He smiled, a small smile but a real one, as he remembered the night he had confessed to Kathryn that she was his peace. "It is. I love her so much, Christine, but…"

"But you're still not happy." Christine finished the thought for him when he trailed off. "You're not actually together, are you? I should have realized that, you never would have even considered staying here if you were involved. You wouldn't have kissed me if…"

Chakotay shook his head as he sat down beside her on the log. When she trailed off he spoke softly, and she could hear both bitterness and pain in his voice. "It wouldn't be appropriate with our positions on the ship."

Christine couldn't stop the snort of laughter that bubbled up, and at the hurt look in his eyes hurried to explain, "That's bull, Chakotay, and you know it. You love her, and unless Curran is the worst Betazoid ever she loves you too. He told me after the first day how bothered Kathryn was by the obvious affection between us; he wanted to make sure I didn't get hurt. But I already mourned your loss, Chakotay, years ago."

"I'm not as convinced as you or Curran that she loves me. Yesterday she half encouraged me to stay here with you." Chakotay murmured.

"You understand why she did it, don't you?" Christine asked gently. "Why she made it so clear that _you _could stay if you wanted to?"

"I want to think so, want to think I know, but part of me keeps insisting it's because she doesn't love me." Chakotay breathed. "Because she would rather leave me behind."

Christine shook her head sadly, "Oh, honey, it's because she loves you enough to let you go. To want you to be happy, no matter the cost to herself."

"But I don't want to go." Chakotay ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I could never be happy if I left her."

"And you can never be fully happy unless she lets you love her." Christine said wisely before smacking his arm. "Really, how would anything change if you let yourselves be together? Other than you would both be happier?"

"You were in Starfleet as long as I was, Christine." He tried to explain, even though every fiber of his being wanted to latch unto the idea and run with it. "Us being together when we were the leaders on a Maquis ship was one thing, but those ships run differently and we both know it."

"But the feelings are already there, Chakotay!" She turned her body more towards his, taking his hand in both of hers. The thrill he used to feel when she touched him, a pale version of what he felt now whenever Kathryn did, wasn't there. It was just comfort, and the understanding of a long friendship. "Kathryn more or less said yesterday that she was willing to step back if you chose me. She loves you, in the same way I once did. Enough to want you happy more than anything. You already love each other so much!"

"Even if that's true, that doesn't mean we can act on it." Chakotay said softly, although he could feel himself starting to cave.

"I was a Starfleet officer for twenty years, a first officer for almost three. And if I had found myself falling in love with my captain, I would have told myself it was a horrible idea and that I had to stop. I do understand all the complications, you have to know that." Christine waited for him to nod before continuing emotionally, "But if that connection was so strong that I couldn't stop it, and gods know you can't always help who you fall in love with, if that love was so strong that I couldn't stop it - I would have gone for it with every fiber of my being. The Chakotay that I knew and loved would have gone for it the same way."

"I've thought about it, more than once." He admitted softly, feeling his soul lighten even as he spoke the words. He'd never spoken of his feelings in quite this way before, not even with B'Elanna, and just having someone to share them with was freeing. "I even made a few testing advances in the early years, and she always made it clear she wouldn't allow more than friendship between us. And she's the best friend I've ever had. What we have between us, the connection and understanding, the trust and respect, the ability to know that no matter what we'll somehow work things out, I've never…"

"You've never had that with anyone." Christine finished softly. "It's okay, Chakotay. I don't know what would have happened between us if we hadn't been separated for eight years, but what I said earlier, Chakotay, about how you look at her like you used to look at me - it's not entirely true. I know you loved me, but you never looked at me like you look at her. And I don't think I ever looked at you that way either. We might have been happy, we might have made things work, we'll never know. But looking back on it, we would have been settling and we both know it."

"I don't regret a moment of it." Chakotay offered with a smile, reaching up to brush some hair behind her ear an instant after the wind blew it into her face.

"Neither do I, but don't change the subject." Christine's voice grew hard on the second part of the sentence, and a shadow of command presence crossed her face.

Chakotay couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped his throat, and in an old gesture tapped her on the nose, watching the aura fade away. "That never worked on me."

She grinned back. "Does hers?" His eyes skirted away, and she continued, "And don't tell me she doesn't have one, every command level officer I've ever met has their own version of a command presence, women ever more so."

"I let her think it works unless it's important." Chakotay turned back to her with a twinkle in his eye, and a second later the two of them were laughing out loud together.

"Why haven't you ever pushed, Chakotay?" She said it with a smile when their laugher finally died, but with a look in her eyes that contrasted the humor in her voice.

His entire face went blank for a second, and then with a deep sigh he let the emotions he had automatically tried to conceal flow back over his face. For the first time in more years than he could remember, he consciously chose to let someone see that he was afraid. "Because I'm afraid she won't be able to say no, and she'll come to hate me for that."

"And what if you come to hate her because she's always said no?"

"I could never hate her." Chakotay whispered. "I understand her too well. It's not about me at all. She feels she needs every ounce of her strength and determination to get us home, and that a relationship would be too distracting to that goal. And I can't be sure it wouldn't be."

"What about all the energy you both put into fighting it?" Christine asked softly. "Or the strength you could draw from each other? There were days back in the Maquis where I don't know how I would have gotten through things without your strength and level of groundedness. You're a rock when you need to be, my friend, and I'm sure that she relays on you for that, and so much more. Think of how much more strength she could draw from you if she let herself. You're also one of the most compassionate men I've ever met. It must kill you to not be able to hold her after the ship's gone through something horrible."

Chakotay nodded even as he hung his head.

Christine leaned over then, kissing him gently on the cheek before rising. "The same way you knew I wouldn't leave, I know why you can't stay. I just wanted to make sure you realized it too."

"Christine…"

"There's an old saying on Earth, Chakotay. _Take the chance and risk the fall. If it's meant to be, then it's worth it all_."

Chakotay listened as her footsteps retreated softly, and sat there thinking until he saw the sun rising slowly over the lake.

Maybe he could risk it one last time.

_Take the chance._

=/\=

TBC…..


	6. Imagine

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just taking some characters that were mistreated and trying to make them a little happier.

AN: And we're slowly approaching the point everyone has been waiting for!

* * *

In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

_"I can't imagine life without your love. Even forever don't seem like long enough." _

_-Backstreet Boys 'Drowning' _

_=/\=_

Chapter 6: Imagine

=/\=

Kathryn tried to control her thoughts as she walked the short distance from _Voyager_ to the meeting hall in the village.

She hadn't slept at all, although she had actually tried. She had wanted to escape from the worry and panic for a few hours, but sleep had been elusive. She wanted to believe he wouldn't leave her, at the very least that if he was seriously considering it he would talk to her, but she couldn't be sure. He had tried the first night they were here, really tried, to talk to her about his feelings. He had done it in the same considerate, gentle way he always did, and she had pushed him away as she always did.

Chakotay had wanted to talk about their relationship that night, but had seen the warning in her eyes and backed off. She wondered for the hundredth time what would have happened if he hadn't. Would she feel relief that the decision was finally out of her hands, or resentment that he hadn't respected her boundaries?

It was a moot point, yet one she had spent the night considering. What would she do if a situation like that came up again? If he didn't stay on the planet, it was pretty much guaranteed that it would happen again at some point. And having spent the night trying to imagine how she would survive if he left her, she didn't know if she would be able to push him away again. But if she didn't, if she gave in to what they both wanted, what would happen after? How could they keep their personal and professional relationships separate? What would happen when she had to send him on a dangerous mission? Or if she was injured and he had to be on the bridge instead of by her side?

One thing at a time, Kathryn reminded herself as she approached the meeting hall. First she had to see if he was staying or going. Because if he was staying, everything else she had been thinking about wouldn't matter in the slightest. Voyager would leave the planet, and the man she loved more than anything, and she would have to figure out how to do it without him. Something she truthfully couldn't imagine being possible.

The only bright spot in her morning had been the fact that she wasn't losing anyone else.

The cargo bay had been empty when she and Tuvok checked it at the appropriate time; none of her crew would be leaving her. Except, maybe, for the one that would hurt her the worst. She didn't know if Chakotay had returned to the ship last night in time to hear her announcement; in fact she didn't know if he had returned to the ship at all. It would have been easy to ask the computer, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to do that. She had taken the coward's way out yet again when it came to Chakotay; hoping for the best and not wanting to have the worst confirmed.

She took a deep breath upon recognizing the two voices laughing within, forced her face to blankness, and walked through the open door of the meeting hall. "Good morning."

Chakotay and Christine looked up as she entered, and both rose as they echoed the greeting.

There was a pregnant pause as Kathryn waited for Chakotay to speak, and she felt her heart drop when he wouldn't meet her eyes. She couldn't lose him, she…

"Good morning, Captain." T'lana said softly as she entered the room, Bear and Curran on her heels and echoing the greeting..

They all exchanged pleasantries for a moment, a moment that felt unbearably long to Kathryn as the panic continued to rise within her. Chakotay wasn't looking at her, in fact it seemed as if he was purposely avoiding looking at her. As if he was worried about telling her something.

Christine eyed Chakotay curiously as he held his silence; she could see the affect this was having on Kathryn and felt her heart going out to the other woman. Finally she raised her voice slightly and got to the point, "Captain, has your crew considered our offer?"

"I informed all of my crew of your offer last night, but much as you all decided to remain here, all of my people have decided to remain on _Voyager_." Kathryn tried to keep her voice calm, but couldn't help the crispness that entered it as she stared directly at her first officer. "At least, I assume they all have."

The few seconds it took for him to raise his eyes to hers felt like an eternity, but when he finally made eye contact she felt the relief run through her. She could see the answer in his eyes, and his gentle smile, before he said softly, "I'm not leaving _Voyager_, Kathryn. I'm not leaving you."

Relief and happiness flooded every fiber of her being for an instant, and she blinked rapidly as she felt her eyes filling with moisture. All the love she had for him swelled up a second later, and for the first time it wasn't accompanied with panic. It just felt right. But this wasn't the time or the place to consider any of that. She locked everything down, offering him only a nod of acknowledgement. "Well, we should be getting back to the ship then."

"A moment, if you please." T'lana drew Kathryn's attention as she pulled a data chip from her pocket. "If you do reach home, we were hoping you could let our families and friends know what happened to us. That we're alive and happy. These are letters."

"Of course." Kathryn replied, taking the chip. Curran spoke to her then, and she turned to face him.

"Does this mean you're finally going to push?" Christine asked without preamble as she took advantage of the other three saying their goodbyes to Kathryn to draw Chakotay to the side, her hand on his arm.

"What makes you think that?" Chakotay couldn't meet her eyes.

"From the moment she walked into this room and saw us together, she thought you were staying. And she probably still thinks you stayed last night."

"I'll make sure she knows I didn't, when the time is right." Chakotay said softly, finally meeting her eyes, although he looked away after a second. "As to the other…"

"You deliberately misled her." Christine tried to keep her voice disapproving, but she actually felt like applauding. The fact that he had done that was what had told her he was going to push for things with Kathryn, and he didn't even realize it. "You wanted to see the hurt in her eyes when she thought she was going to lose you."

Chakotay's eyes flew to Christine then, and he realized just how much he had changed from the person she once knew. Once, that might have been his reason. To hurt Kathryn for all the times she had hurt him, or just to get some of his own back and show her he wouldn't be pushed around. But thanks to her, he wasn't that person anymore. His voice was almost sad when he replied, "No, it was killing me to know how much it was hurting her. But I needed her to realize how _she_ would feel when she thought she was losing me."

Now it was Christine who looked away, a slight flush rising to her cheeks. "I didn't mean…" She met his eyes again and saw the understanding, giving her the courage to add, "She loves you. I saw it in her eyes."

"So did I, but it means nothing if she won't act on it." Chakotay replied, the sadness still permeating his voice.

"You'll get her to." Christine's eyes sparkled and she stepped closer, wrapping her arms around his neck. "We can even make her a little jealous if you want."

His hands came to her waist automatically, but his voice was serious as he said honestly, "I'd rather think of it as getting to say goodbye this time."

"That too." Her smile was soft, and when their lips met the sweetness of it was exactly that. They lingered with no thought of anything but each other, and when they finally separated both were smiling. "At least this time I know you'll be happy."

"Do you?" It was barely a whisper, and she hugged him affectionately in reply.

"I do." She said as she pulled back from the hug. "Leave now, I want to talk to her."

Chakotay hesitated, a hundred things that she could say and how each could go wrong momentarily vying for dominance in his head. He was brought out of his thoughts by a not entirely gentle smack on his bicep.

"Trust me."

Chakotay smiled at her tone of voice. It wasn't a question; they both knew the answer. It wasn't a request; the voice was too firm. It wasn't a plea; she didn't need to. Instead it was an order, delivered in the full command voice that caused her body to automatically straighten.

He grinned, tapped her on the nose, and waited for her posture to relax and her eyes to smile back at him before he replied, "With my life."

She rose on her toes to kiss him again, quickly this time. "Bye, Chakotay."

"Goodbye." And after one last hug Chakotay turned and headed for _Voyager_ without looking back.

Christine watched him for a long moment, then stepped up to Kathryn just as the captain finished saying goodbye to T'lana.

"Ms. Martin." Kathryn nodded in greeting. "Thank you for everything these past few days. My crew has had a marvelous time."

"And you?" Christine challenged with a glint in her eyes.

Kathryn's eyes widened, and for a moment her thoughts floundered. It didn't take a genius to figure out what Christine was talking about, but she didn't own this woman any explanations. Finally she offered neutrally, "The hot springs were lovely, and it's always nice to have a few days to relax and not worry about anything bad happening to my ship or crew."

"You just had to worry about losing someone you care about." Christine said bluntly.

Kathryn blanched, her mouth opening and closing but no sound coming from it. Before she could begin to formulate a reply to that, Christine had lowered for voice and was speaking softly once again.

"I don't think there was ever really a danger of that happening." Christine confided. "I just wanted you to know… the hugging, and kissing… it wasn't what I assume you think it was. We've always had that kind of relationship; we're both touchy-feely people, and we're comfortable with each other. I think even if I had been married, or he had, we would still be that way with each other, as long as it didn't bother the other person. It's just… it's familiar, and normal, and it's how we've always been. And I guess I just wanted to make sure you knew that."

"What is or isn't between the two of you is none of my business, Ms. Martin" Kathryn's thoughts were whirling, but she didn't want to have this kind of conversation with a woman she barely knew

"Call me Christine, Kathryn. And please, just listen for a moment." Christine cut her off, the smile on her face belying the seriousness of her words. "Some part of me felt like I should dislike you, for being beside him all these years. For having his love when I only had a memory. But he's more content than I've ever seen him; you fill a place in his soul no one else ever could. So instead of disliking you, I can only be grateful to you, and happy for you both."

Kathryn felt the shock go through her at the first sentence, growing more and more as the woman continued, yet she couldn't help but acknowledge the candidness and heartfelt feelings behind the speech. She met Christine's eyes for a long moment before returning softly, "I wanted to dislike you Christine, for knowing his love in a way I haven't. For the threat you represented; the fear that you might take him away from me. But I couldn't dislike you, because I thought you might be able to make him happy. And he deserves that, more than anyone else I've ever know."

"Then make him happy, Kathryn. And let yourself be happy as well."

=/\=

"Atmospheric thrusters shutting down now, impulse engines engaged." Tom reported as Voyager soared out of the blue sky and back into the black expanse of outer space.

"Environmental controls and inertial dampers back online and functioning normally, Captain." Harry chimed in a second later.

"Initializing warp core start-up." B'Elanna's voice came over the comm. "Warp power will be available in one hour."

"Stand down blue alert." Kathryn ordered from her command chair. "Tom, set a course back for the Alpha Quadrant, maximum impulse. We'll switch to warp once it comes online."

"Understood.." Tom said as he entered the course. "Course set."

Kathryn let her gaze shift to Chakotay, still feeling the relief that he was beside her. She lowered her voice, speaking to him alone with a small smile. "Do the honors?"

He returned the smile, understanding the sentiment behind it. "Engage."

The bridge went quiet after that as people turned to their various monitors and controls, making sure that all systems were functioning normally after being in standby or off completely for a couple of days.

Kathryn pretended to read over a report, but found her eyes continually flicking over to the man who sat beside her. And at the times when her eyes were actually looking at the report if not reading it, she could swear she felt his gaze on her.

She wasn't egotistical enough to believe she was the sole reason he had stayed. He would have considered his other friends on the ship, as well as his position on it. He would have considered his own desire to get home. There were multiple factors, but she knew she was one of them, most likely a major one. And she couldn't decide how she felt about that.

She knew that even now he wouldn't push. If he had been a different man he would have given her an ultimatum last night; Unless you're willing to be with me fully I'm staying on the planet. It would have been manipulative as hell, because as she had told Tuvok if that had happened she would have caved, and given him anything if he would stay. But he hadn't done that; she wouldn't have fallen in love with someone who would do something like that.

But it meant the ball was in her court now, and all the pressure he had never put on her was slowly crushing her. He had stayed, because he thought he could be happier here. And she, and she alone, had control over how happy he was, and how happy she herself was as well.

Kathryn knew what she wanted, but it was the same thing she had wanted for years now. She just didn't know if she could break through the fear and grab it.

The idea of opening up in that way to a fellow officer, even the person she trusted more than any other, was terrifying. At the end of the day, she was still his captain, and the idea of showing her vulnerability to someone under her command went against everything she had been taught since she was old enough to remember.

But she knew she owed it to both of them to at least try. To at least let him know why she had always pushed him away. She didn't know what would happen then, but at least it would be out there. At least he would understand why.

Giving up the pretense of reading her PADD, Kathryn leaned over her armrest towards him, saying his name softly to catch his attention.

Chakotay looked up from his report at her call, leaning towards her as well and lowering his voice in the way he always did when they were talking this way about something they didn't want overheard. "Kathryn?"

"Dinner tonight in my quarters?" Kathryn's voice was even quieter than normal. "Casual."

His head cocked slightly at the last word, and she saw the consideration flash through his eyes.

It had never been said in so many words, but the fact that they were always still in uniform for their weekly dinners had been an extra reminder in their minds about the line between them. It was a friendly dinner, not a date. It was an informal meeting between colleagues, not a romantic interlude. And now she was changing that.

Underneath the slowly blooming hope, Chakotay felt a twinge of unease. "I'm not expecting things to change just because I stayed."

She felt her lips twitch at the comment that was so totally him. He had known what she was worrying about, and even though it was the opposite of what he wanted he was trying to alleviate the pressure she felt. Her heart swelled as she replied, "It's not just because you stayed that I'm thinking of changing them."

"19:00?" Chakotay could feel himself grinning. "I'll bring the wine."

Her smile bloomed in response as she nodded.

=/\=

TBC…


	7. Superfluous

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just taking some characters that were mistreated and trying to make them a little happier.

AN: Sorry that it's been a few days guys, some unexpected stuff came up. Good stuff, but it kept me from editing. And now for your reading enjoyment, the casual dinner. With a somewhat twisty and convoluted conversation, but it just felt so real and unrehearsed, running on raw emotion rather than thought out arguments, that I just had to leave it exactly as it is. And don't let the stopping point worry you, everyone knows how this is going to turn out. I just haven't had time to polish up the mature-rated last chapter, and it has to be perfect. So, enjoy. Reviews are appreciated as always.

* * *

In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

"_A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." -Ingrid Bergman_

_=/\=_

Chapter 7: Superfluous

=/\=

Things had been awkward from the moment he'd entered her quarters with a bottle of wine tucked under his arm.

She had nearly stuttered upon greeting him, he had tripped over the name of the wine he had selected, she had almost dropped the bottle as he handed it to her, and things had gone downhill from there.

Dinner had been an awkward silence occasionally broken by a comment on the food, which for once her replicator had not turned into something gross and unidentifiable, or other random topics that quickly ran out of steam.

"Sorry."

The word left each of their mouths at the exact same moment, even as two hands that had collided while reaching for the bottle of wine at the middle of the table jerked back.

They were done with dinner, and each had reached for the bottle to refill the glasses before taking them over to coffee table by the couch like they normally did. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment, hands still tingling from the contact.

"This is ridiculous." Chakotay finally voiced what both of them were thinking, and was rewarded for his candor when she smiled gently.

"I was just thinking how dinner was more awkward than the first -and only- blind date I ever went on." Kathryn replied softly.

He couldn't help chuckling. "_You_ went on a blind date?"

"My mother is difficult to say no to." Kathryn replied simply.

"So that's where you get it from?" He teased gently, reaching out to refill their wine glasses, his eyes still cautiously on hers. Sometimes she played along when he teased her, and sometimes she shut down. And with how awkward the atmosphere in the room already was, he was having difficulty reading her mood at the moment and was relieved when she chuckled with him before picking up her wine glass and rising, her head gesturing towards the couch.

"Well, having an admiral for a father probably helped as well." She offered as she settled on the couch and he took the chair beside it. They eyed each other for another long moment before she echoed his earlier words. "This really is ridiculous, you know. I said casual clothes because I thought it would help us relax, but it seems to be doing the exact opposite."

"You know that's not the reason." He'd never been on a blind date, but he did feel rather like he was on his _first_ date. Only things had actually been less awkward then, because there wasn't nearly so much at stake.

She rose at that, pacing over to the viewport and staring out it, deep in thought. "This is one of the things I was worried about."

"Kathryn, we were on duty for almost eight hours after you invited me to this _casual _dinner. Did anything change then?" He rose as well, but stayed at a distance for a moment. "We weren't awkward with each other on the bridge. We did our duty today, just like we've done it every day since we became friends, and every day since we got back from New Earth. It's only awkward now that we're alone together, and that we're supposed to be having the talk you've been pushing aside for years."

Her breath hitched as he mentioned one of the things they never talked about. The planet where they had truly shifted from friends to more than friends. The planet where she had fallen in love with him. The planet she had tried unsuccessfully to forget for almost five years, because the pain of knowing what could have been was almost unbearable.

"Chakotay…" Her voice was barely a whisper, and out of the corner of her eye she saw him take a few steps closer.

"I told you the truth the other day that I'm a patient man." He said softly even as he willed her to turn around. "I am. I meant what I said earlier today; I didn't stay as a way to pressure you into letting things change between us. And I didn't do it to make you feel guilty; you have enough to worry about as it is. But that doesn't mean we can't at least talk about it. I saw the look in your eyes when I mentioned New Earth, and I remember what I promised you there. Your needs do come first, I try to always put them first, but the only way I can do that is if you let me. If you let me take care of you. At least talk to me about the reasons you won't, maybe we can figure things out together."

"I know now that things could have been worse. But the most glaring reason was always the fact that I was responsible for us being out here. " She admitted. "No one else knows just how much I blamed myself; I don't think even you understand the full extent of… I didn't think I had a right to be happy, not when I was responsible for everyone else being so miserable. "

"We talked about it that very first day, Kathryn, when you made me your first officer. I would have destroyed the array too, and once people had the time to think about it, everyone agreed. " Chakotay said as he moved closer to her. "Yes, there was an adjustment period, but think of everything everyone has gained. Even before we found Christine's ship here, even when we thought for sure that if you hadn't destroyed the array we could have gotten home, we weren't miserable. Yes, we want to get back to our friends and families, but in the meantime we've all become each other's friends and family. I've tried to tell you, but you never listen. Not one of the crew is going to object to the captain finding some happiness for herself."

"That wasn't the only reason." Now that the elephant in the room was under discussion, even in a round about way, Kathryn knew she had to push forward. She had promised herself she would go through with this conversation, get things out in the open once and for all, but the enormity of actually doing it was proving even more difficult than she had thought it would. She was becoming more and more afraid that he would shoot down every single one of her reasons for them not having a closer relationship, and she was even more afraid she would agree he was right.

"Then tell me the reasons, Kathryn." Chakotay continued to press even as he moved cautiously closer, being reminded of approaching an animal you didn't want to shy away from you. "Give me the reasons you won't let me get closer."

Her mouth opened as if to give those reasons, then closed again as the fear welled up. Emotions warred inside of her for a charged moment, then she remembered how she had felt those few minutes she truly thought he was leaving her. She felt the pain flare up once again, and whispered one of the two reasons that tortured her in the dead of night as something broke inside of her. "I can't love someone under my command. I'll make decisions to protect you, I'll worry too much if something happens to you. It already hurt so much when I thought I was going to lose you. If it feels like that now, when we're not really even a couple…"

"You should have known I wasn't leaving, Kathryn." Chakotay was within touching distance of her now, and his voice was growing more intense by the second. "I went to Sandrine's for a while, nursed a beer, then was alone in my quarters all night. It felt like I was trying to make a decision, like I was weighing what I should do, but I knew in the deepest part of my spirit that it wasn't really a choice. There's no way I would ever leave you. But even not being sure of that, you should have known that I wouldn't have left without trying one last time. I wouldn't have left without saying the three words you've never let me say. "

"Chakotay." She could hear the tears in her voice, but couldn't stop them from falling. Kathryn eyed him through the brief space between them. He had gotten just close enough to touch her, then stopped. He was off to her right side, and she let her chin drop to her shoulder and took a deep breath as her eyes dropped to the floor for a minute. She knew he was right, but she was at a loss for how to reply.

"I love you, Kathryn." Chakotay met her eyes heatedly as they shot up to his face, and he felt desire flood his body as the weight that had been on his heart for so long lifted as he finally said the words he had held in for so long. He had tried, every day, to show her with his actions, with his words; at least the ones that she would allow. But it wasn't the same as actually saying the words. "I love you, and you love me. Those feelings are already there, and they have been for a long time. We haven't let them affect our duty to the ship and crew so far. Give me another reason."

"You… you…." Her heart stuttered, unable to get beyond the first three words he had said. His voice had turned passionate, both deeper and with a huskiness she had never heard before, and she found herself unable to speak yet again. It wasn't like she hadn't known how he felt, but something about hearing the words just made her heart sing.

He smiled gently as he reached out to take her hand, holding it between his for a moment before raising it to rest against his chest, over his heart. "You can't tell me you didn't know. And if I'm wrong about you loving me, or you wanting there to be more between us, tell me. Tell me right now, and things will go back to exactly how they were before tonight. But if you do love me, then tell me another reason why you keep me at arm's length." He saw the nervousness and hesitation flare through her eyes, and with effort gentled his voice. "We're just talking, remember that. We're not making any decisions, we're just being honest. I think our relationship deserves that."

Kathryn turned her body away from him again to look out the viewport, but couldn't bring herself to pull her hand back. He had said just moments ago that he was patient, and now he was pushing her in a way he never had before. But she understood how he was feeling about things, and couldn't see the two actions as contrary. He _was_ being patient, had been patient for years now. He wasn't asking for things to change, he was just asking her to talk about it. He was asking for the honesty that should exist between best friends.

"The other reason, it's so much harder to tell. I can't tell it without getting past it, and I don't know how to get past it on my own." Her words came out rapidly, and she was amazed when she heard him let out a wry chuckle.

"You're afraid of being vulnerable with someone. Afraid of letting someone under your command see the weakest parts of you." Chakotay whispered, his voice still deep and patient. "But in order to tell me that, you would have to get over the fear of letting me in enough to show that vulnerability."

Her eyes widened, and she turned her head again to look at him. How had he known? How could he have known exactly what she was thinking? How did he always know?

The questions spinning through her mind stopped dead when he continued in the same passionate yet understanding voice, "You'll always be my captain, and I'll always support you out there. But let me give you the same support personally; you're not on your own, and you never will be. When we're here, or in my quarters, talk to me just like a friend. Don't worry that I'll look at you differently out there if you let me see when you're scared, or if you let me hold you when you're sad. Even if we never go beyond being friends, let me be that much for you. Let me really be your friend. Trust in all we've built between us, and that no matter what at the end of the day I'll still be your first officer and your best friend."

"I want you to be so much more than just my first officer and best friend." She didn't know where the confession came from, but she couldn't regret the words when she saw the grin that broke out on his face.

"Then let me be that, too." Chakotay whispered, his heart soaring at the confession. "Forget all the reasons, Kathryn. Forget all the fears and worries; we can handle them the same way we have everything else. Together. If you want me to continue being patient I will be, but this one time I'm going to push. You couldn't tell me you don't love me, but that doesn't mean things have to change. But if you want me to be more than a friend, let me be that. Then all the energy we put into fighting it can be redirected to getting the ship home, and we'll be even stronger, because we'll be able to support each other. Fully support each other, in the way we both need."

He had her, and he knew it, but she couldn't stop the token words from leaving her lips anymore than she could stop her tears, "I don't know if I can do this, I don't think we should…"

"Kathryn." He husked her name even as his fingers brushed her cheek, and he saw a shiver run through her body as her half-hearted words of protest died on her lips. "Stop thinking."

There was no misinterpreting the look in his eyes as he slowly leaned closer to her, and Kathryn felt a surge go through her, although it was difficult to tell whether it was panic or excitement. The rational part of her mind forced her to whisper, "Please, don't."

He hesitated briefly out of habit, then felt his eyes heat. "If you really want to stop me, just say the word. One single word. Say _no_." Chakotay shifted a half step until he was properly in front of her, then reached out to her again, cupping her cheek in one hand even as the other slid over her hip to her waist and back in a soothing pattern. "Then everything will go back to exactly how it used to be. Look me in the eyes and say no; that's all you have do to. Can you? Because if you can't, I'm going to kiss you." His lips were centimeters from her own, and he saw the instant the desire swept everything else from her eyes.

Kathryn swayed slightly at the desire and love mixed in his eyes, and let the hand that had been resting on his chest slide up to cup the back of his neck. She could feel the heat of him through her thin dress, and felt her body heating in response even as she answered automatically, "I should say it." But the words were breathy, and Kathryn felt herself slowing pushing up onto her toes, bringing their lips even closer. The gentle hand sweeping up and down her side was setting her on fire, awakening nerves she had almost forgotten she had, and she couldn't break herself away from the fire racing through her, a fire she saw echoed in his eyes and could feel on his skin, which grew warmer at her touch.

"I love you, Kathryn." Chakotay breathed, actually pulling back slightly until her eyes came into perfect focus. "Just let yourself love me." He saw it, the instant the desire flowed into love, and an instant later he closed the distance between them and captured her lips in a tender kiss.

She couldn't have moved, not even for a red alert. She could barely breath as she felt his hand slide around her hip, fingers splaying across her lower back and gently urging her closer. She gasped as the fronts of their bodies came into contact, and she let her other arm slide up to join the first around his neck. And all the while he was kissing her softly, his love and desire almost pulsing out of him as their bodies pressed closer and closer together.

Chakotay used his hands on her body to shift her ever so slightly, dipping her back just enough to cause her to gasp. His tongue slipped into her mouth then, and the kiss deepened when she met him halfway, losing herself in his arms and his lips and forgetting for an endless moment about anything but him, and the fact that she was finally kissing the man she loved.

Chakotay lost himself in the kiss, barely managing to hang unto the presence of mind to not push further. He had sworn to himself just one kiss, and then he would wait and see how she reacted. She hadn't said no and he could tell she was enjoying the kiss, and the fact that she hadn't yet ordered him to the brig was encouraging as well, but there was still an uncharacteristic hesitance in her manner that made him cautious.

He didn't realize his hand was moving again, didn't realize it until he felt the backs of his fingers brush over the side of her breast. She went taut as a bowstring and tore her mouth away from his with a gasp. They both breathed heavily for a long moment, their eyes locked on each other. "We can still go back to being friends, but I don't think I'm going to be able to make that offer for much longer."

"I want you so much." Her voice was less than a whisper, and she shifted her body against his slightly, feeling how much he wanted her in return. "I want someone to hold me when I'm sad, or just when I'm lonely. I want to fall asleep in a man's arms again, my last thought about how much I love that man I just made passionate love to. And I want someone I can laugh with, someone I don't have to hide anything from. And every time my fantasies put a face with that desire, it's always your face. It's always you I want. And I think I'm done trying to fight that."

Chakotay almost lost his breath again as her hand trailed along the side of his neck, fingers caressing lightly and heating his blood further. He shifted his hand from where it had frozen at the side of her chest, letting his thumb glide slowly back and forth over her nipple, watching her eyes heat again. "Be sure. We don't have to finish this tonight, but I need to know we will one day. Or I need to back away now."

Kathryn let the two options swirl through her head. Three options, really.

Letting him back away was one. Letting the man she loved, who had just shared with her the most amazing kiss she had ever been part of, go back to being only her friend.

The second option was to say yes to one day, to promise him someday soon. Tell him she needed to take this slowly, and that there would have to be more talk, and a slower buildup to them fully being together physically.

Or there was a third option, one he had acknowledged by stressing the words 'finish this tonight,' but hadn't said technically. She could let him stay the night. Rather than tossing and turning with nightmares when she could sleep -not to mention the dozens of real worries that often wouldn't allow her to- she could have her dream. She could actually fall asleep in the arms of the man she loved, after having made passionate love with him. She could let him into her life, and share all the highs and lows of their crazy lives with him as her partner.

All she had to do was admit that she loved him, all she had to do was push through all her fears and let herself love him, and she could make both of them a hundred times happier.

For the first time, she didn't worry about what would happen tomorrow. She didn't worry about how she would feel looking back on this moment later. She asked herself a simple question.

If she didn't have anything to worry about but the two of them, if she could do what she wanted with no consequences, would she sleep with him tonight? Would she let him love her, and let herself love him back?

She stared deep into his eyes as she made what felt like the most important decision of her lifetime.

=/\=

TBC…


	8. Trust

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it entails belong to Paramount and whoever else legally owns them. I am making no money from this. I'm just taking some characters that were mistreated and trying to make them a little happier.

AN: Thanks for going along for the ride, and for all the encouragement and critique as I finished my latest crazy idea. Be prepared for bits of angst and almost sickening sweetness. I went totally mature, and totally honest, on this one. And it's only barely M, but you can never be too careful with ffn. Just enjoy! And reviews are always appreciated.

* * *

In Hindsight

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

_"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to."_

_=/\=_

Chapter 8: Trust

=/\=

Oh, who was she kidding? If it hadn't been for all the outside concerns and internal fears, they would have been together for years now. Without her personal fears, she would have allowed herself to let nature take its course. With no outside concerns, there would have been no reasons to fight the sparks of attraction between them. They would have built to an inferno long before today.

And now she knew what his lips felt like when they covered hers. Now she knew what it felt like to be held in his arms, to be pulled against a hard, aroused male body for the first time in almost longer than she could remember. And it felt even more amazing than it had in her dreams.

Kathryn let her fingers slide up to trace over his tattoo. Her eyes traced over his face for a moment, tracing the forehead lines she knew so well she could have drawn them in her sleep, getting caught by the deepness of his dark eyes as they burned into hers. She brought her fingers down to slide just the tips of them across his lips, and felt her eyes widen and her hand freeze when he kissed her fingertips. The sweetness of it was so completely like him, and so completely perfect, that it was like the straw that tipped the scales.

Not that there was really any choice. As he had said earlier about deciding about whether or not to stay, it wasn't really a choice. She had been lost from the moment their lips touched, and she knew it.

She really did know what she wanted, had known for years, and for the first time the fear and panic didn't rise along with the rush of feelings. The love in his eyes made it seem the easiest thing in the world when she whispered breathlessly, "I love you."

Kathryn's eyes widened at the wealth of emotions she saw run through his, and had barely caught her breath when he closed the distance between their lips and kissed her, this time with less tenderness and more passion.

Chakotay felt his control snap as she whispered those three words to him, and the hand on her side slid to her back again, crushing her against his chest. His other hand slid up into her hair, running his fingers through it briefly as he had wanted to for so long before he clasped the back of her neck, tracing her lips with the tip of his tongue, relishing the taste of wine and woman as she opened her mouth to him. Her tongue was just as eager as his, and her hands held him with a strength that bordered on desperation, showing years of repression and longing.

The roaring sound going through Kathryn's head reached a crescendo as the hand on the back of her neck fisted in her hair, pulling gently but firmly, tilting her head so his lips could travel over her cheek and down her neck before moving back up to nibble on her ear. It was all she could do to hold his shoulders more tightly as she felt her knees go weak, and that loss of control and show of vulnerability sent the panic shooting through her once again.

It took him a few seconds to realize that the hands on this shoulders had shifted from clinging to pushing, and he pulled his mouth from her neck with a gasp even as he took a half-step back, forcing his arms to release her. "Kathryn, what…."

Kathryn caught his hands in hers as they released her, trying to read beyond the worry that had come into his eyes and see the love. "I need you to tell me again." She took a deep breath, trying to push the panic aside.

Confusion compounded the worry. "I love you."

"No, not that. I… I know that." She shook her head rapidly. "Tell me again it won't change. Tell me you can see me like this and still be my first officer."

"Oh, Kathryn." All the confusion, worry, and fear vanished under a rush of love and understanding. She wasn't just a little worried about showing her vulnerability to someone under her command, she was absolutely terrified of it. He squeezed both of her hands lightly before raising them to his lips and kissing her knuckles lightly, his eyes warm and steady on her own. "You know that I can. Deep down you know it, or you never would have trusted me this far. You wouldn't have let me kiss you if you thought I wouldn't respect you in the morning."

She chuckled at that, as he had intended, and pulled her hands gently from his, letting one hand come to rest over his heart and the other cup his cheek The humor mixed with patience in his voice chased all of the panic away. It was a tone she had heard more times than she could remember, and it brought back all the reasons she was in love with this amazing man. It brought back every time he had trusted her with his life, and she had saved him. It brought back every time she had trusted him with her ship, and he had saved it. She trusted him with her ship, her crew, and her life. She would never find someone more worthy of being trusted with her heart, fears, and vulnerabilities. She was smiling fully as she questioned with a lilt in her voice, "But will I still respect you?"

His grin widened, dimples flashing as she teased him. He teased back as he let his hands come to rest warmly on her hips, thumbs brushing up and down gently. "Well, I can't promise that I won't picture you naked at least once or twice during our next duty shift, but I promise to never let it happen while we're at red alert."

Kathryn burst into surprised laughter, dropping her forehead onto his chest for a second before moving back just enough to eye him from head to toe with a mischievous look in her eyes. "I can't promise not to picture you naked either."

Chakotay saw the hint of fear still in her eyes, behind the teasing, and let his voice turn serious once again. "Kathryn, it's not a matter of me separating the captain from the woman. You're both to me, you have been for a very long time now. No…it's not that you're both, it's just that both are the same. You're a beautiful woman, a loyal friend, and an amazing captain. You're just you. I can laugh and tease you about how you can't program a replicator, yet not doubt in the slightest that you can get this ship out of any difficulty we run into. I can stare into your beautiful eyes over a glass of wine at night, and the next morning watch them glare at me in frustration when I object to some crazy plan you want to try."

"Chakotay…" Her heart was melting at the sweetness of his words, and at how he was so perfectly addressing fears she wasn't even able to express. She trailed off as she felt his fingertips come to rest lightly on her lips, and saw the glint come into his eyes even as he continued speaking evenly

"And I can kiss you tonight, and still take your orders tomorrow." He couldn't help the sensual tone from sliding into his voice, nor could he stop it from getting huskier as he whispered, "I can fulfill one of the many dreams I've had for years, the first one, the one with you stretched out beautiful and naked and underneath me. I can learn all the secret places that make your body sing, and I can watch your face as I make you lose yourself in passion."

Kathryn felt her breath hitch as his eyes flared with desire, and she stopped breathing for a moment as some of her own dreams flew into her mind.

"And tomorrow, I can sit next to you on the bridge. I can be the amazing first officer I've always been," His grin turned cheeky, "And no one but you or I will know that tonight you let me take control. Or that you showed me a whole new definition of serving under you, whichever way this goes."

She laughed again, she couldn't help it. The panic was completely gone, and her heart was bursting with the love she could no longer contain. "Which of those two do you want?"

"This is about you." He whispered even as his hands began to trail up and down her sides again, purposely trailing high enough for his thumbs to brush over her full breasts.

"No, it's about us." Kathryn whispered back as she slid his hands up and down his chest before moving hands that were only slightly unsteady to the buttons of his dark green vest and slowly beginning to unbutton them. "I have to let you in, completely, or we'll both end up miserable. And to do that, I have to trust you enough. I have to trust you with everything. And I do."

Now it was his turn to feel his heart stop and his breath catch as he saw nothing but that trust, mixed with love, shining in her eyes. Now the spurt of fear was on his side. "It scares me sometimes, how much I want you. Sometimes in my dreams, the first time is tender and sweet. And sometimes it's so fast and furious it's amazing we don't kill each other. I really need to know what you want, because in the dream, the first time is always amazing and mind-blowing for both of us, and I need the reality to live up to that. For both of us. We need to feel how right and perfect this is; we need to feel why this should be forever."

"It will be perfect, no matter what." Kathryn smiled as she pushed the vest off of his shoulders. He let his arms fall from her for just long enough for the vest to fall to the floor with a quiet plop. "You said all I had to do was let you love me. So do that; show me how much you love me. And be ready to be patient with me if I freeze again."

"We can wait." Chakotay could scarcely believe he had just made that offer over the blood pounding through his veins, but he knew that if waiting was what would make it perfect for her then it was what he would do. "It's been a long and emotional couple of days, Kathryn. We don't have to…"

Her hands went to the buttons of his shirt as she made a gentle shushing sound. "We've been waiting for years. We've more or less been a couple, in every way except for this one. I promise I won't change my mind tomorrow. I won't wake up and look at you, and drown in guilt as I convince myself I made a horrible mistake." She finished unbuttoning his shirt, and let her fingers trail erotically over his bare chest as her voice grew huskier, "I'm through second guessing myself; I just can't do it anymore. And so I'll wake up, and look into the eyes of the man I love. I'll cuddle closer into his chest, and maybe if I'm not too sore we'll share the happiest morning either of us has ever had on _Voyager_. And then we'll go to work like we always do, and we won't let ourselves be distracted by the amazing night we shared."

"That sounds just about perfect." Chakotay replied, the last word turning to a gasp as she ran her fingernails not altogether gently down his chest. "Except for knowing that no matter what happens tonight, or tomorrow morning for that matter, tomorrow morning will be the happiest moment I've ever had on Voyager. Because tonight all I can think about is how badly I want to be with you. It won't really settle in until I wake up tomorrow, with you still in my arms, that this is forever."

"Forever." The word didn't cause fear or nervousness, but an increase in the fire flowing through her veins. She pushed to her toes once again, glorying in the warm, smooth flesh under her hands as she slid them around his waist to his back, feeling his body tremble as she played her fingernails up and down his spine. "Now kiss me again."

The shreds of control he had been trying to pull back over the last minute vanished in a whirlwind of desire, and a dark, primal part of his brain drank in the gasping sound she made when his hands on her waist jerked her fully against his body even as he moved them sideways, turning at the last second to push her up against the viewport. His mouth covered hers at the same time, and he felt her melt in his arms.

He was kissing her again, sinking into her, and she felt all her muscles relax and her thoughts shimmer with gold. It was such a simple thing, a kiss, such a simple thing to cause such a shifting of reality.

He had skill, and with that skill infinite patience. Yet the shimmer of lust and greed was there in the almost bruising hands clamped on her hips, and the hard length of him pressed against her stomach as his mouth again traversed down her neck to nibble, then bite almost too roughly over the pulsing beat in her neck that echoed her racing heart.

Rather than pain, pleasure coursed through her. Rather than panic, passion erupted.

More clothing hit the floor, and soon a haphazard trail of discarded cloth led into the bedroom.

And for the first time in over six years, Kathryn made love with someone she loved before falling asleep in his arms.

And for the first time in just as long, she knew she wouldn't wake up plagued with guilt and doubt. She would fall asleep happy, and she would wake up that way. Because the guilt and worry were in the past. She couldn't change the things she had done, and she realized she didn't want to anyway. She had done the best she could, and would continue to do so.

Only now she would have the most amazing man she had ever known not just at her side, but in her bed and her heart. Together they could do anything.

The present, and the future they could have together, were all that mattered anymore.

_=/\=_

_"I would find myself getting deeply distressed if I lived in hindsight all the time."_

_-Andrew Lincoln_

_=/\=_

THE END


End file.
